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When I was 14, my also 14 year old step sister found a VHS porn in her dad’s room. We watched the video together and she fingered herself while I awkwardly sat there with a boner. Never touched each other or did anything like it after that, but the recommendations on Pornhub make me think about it every time I wank.
Sometimes I’ll go to the toilet and wipe my arse and there’ll be a bit of poop on the tissue even though I haven’t had a shit that day.
When I was 14 i punched my brother’s laptop screen in a rage, and instead of admitting it, I threw it down the cliff nearby my house. My mum called in a panic, that we had been broken into. I arrived home to find the police dusting for prints.
I once got told no by a girl even after going down on her. She goes to pee then comes back and says “thanks you can go now.” I said can’t you at least wank me off? She said nope, sorry. I asked to use the toilet before I left so I went in there, had a wank into her sink then wiped my dick on her towel and left. Still felt very used though.
Whenever I go through self-checkout and it asks how many bags the answer is 0 every time. Sticking it to the man 20p at a time.
Whenever I meet a semi attractive female my first thought is how freaky they are in bed and how they are at oral. I need help.
I knew a guy who committed suicide a few years back. Didn’t know him well but we hung out a few times. Anyway the last time I saw him I was in a rush to leave and gave him a crappy awkward handshake as we said goodbye. I went for a fist bump and he went for a shake and I basically ended up shaking his fingers. Few months later he hung himself. Really annoys me that flop of a handshake was the last interaction we had.
If someone beeps at me while I’m driving it kills my mood for the rest of the day.
I was a pretty big nerd in school. In my first week of uni I had my first kiss, first blowjob, first feel of tits and lost my virginity all on the same day. I still can’t believe it.
About 10 years on a Monday after the football, I had the worst hangover you could imagine. I had to pull over in morning traffic on the motorway to take a huge dump. It was 6am, still dark, I hid between the front and back door of my car, squatted and took a massive diarrhea shit. Wiped my arse with some old napkins but it was never going to be enough. And this is why I now take Mondays off in advance if I’m going to the footie.
My buddies think I have sex way more than I do and never tell them they’re wrong.
There was a girl at my school who everyone was practically in love with. One day I stole her bra out of her sports bag, took it home, and wore it on my head while I had a wank. Another time I wrapped it round my dick and did the same. Then I got paranoid and cut it up and threw it in the bin. I was a weird kid.
I banged a Romanian hooker bareback and soon after one of my eyes turned red and I was pissing razor blades. Went to the GUM clinic and did all the tests including the swab down my penis (brutal) and all the tests came back negative!! I got tested for literally everything and had no STD. In the end it just cleared up by itself but I wonder whether I picked up something no one’s ever heard of before.
Since the hot new girl started working at the office it’s made getting up to go to work so much easier. I actually look forward to Mondays now even though I’ve said about 3 words to her in 3 weeks and there’s a 0.001% chance I’ll ever get to bang her.
I lost an arm wrestle to my 14 year old nephew yesterday (I’m 35). I also hurt my back doing it. Life comes at you fast.
Friends are all starting to get married and have kids. Can’t help but feel like I’m falling behind in life. Statistically 33% of them will end up divorced though so maybe it’s not so bad.
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See you next Friday!