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Let’s go…

ULTIMOD

When I was younger I used to think vagina was spelt ‘fagina’. One night playing this online game where there was a chat room to cuss each other between games, I tried to diss some kid and told him something about his mum’s fagina. Everyone clocked I didn’t know how to spell it and long story short, I got completely ripped apart. Had to find a new crew to play with after that and I never forgot how to properly spell vagina

DEV1990N

Went to the toilets at work for my daily wank session at lunch time. For some reason the wifi wasn’t working on my phone so I had to make do with my imagination. I bust one out in 2 minutes thinking about bending my colleague (a 6 at best) over her desk and fucking her. Was a real rush crunching numbers with her all professional like literally 5 minutes later.

GOOFY

My girlfriend has a Mickey Mouse backscratcher that she beats me with

MARTYMCFLY07

I went for a happy ending massage and was so drunk I couldn’t come after 50 mins non-stop wanking. In the end the woman told me her hand hurt and I should leave. On the way out all the other masseuses were giggling and I guess she must have told them all that I couldn’t cum. Most weirdly humiliating moment I’ve had in a long time.

HERTSSOBAD

I drank a glass of red wine at the airport bar while the 2 girls next to me were smashing shots. I’m such a p-ssy

RHYS WITHERSPOON

I was once around my nans house – I helped her neighbour trim the bush. She then gave me a copy of the Playboy 50th Anniversary edition, it belonged to her dead husband but said I would get more use out of it. I wanted to sell it but it’s not gone up in value much and now I’ve got to laminate it, I feel I am in a sticky predicament.

IMDISGUSTING

I was eating my girlfriend’s asshole when I felt something like a little seed enter my mouth. I just ate it and kept on going

[no name]

White guy. When a hip hop track is running through my head I replace all the n-words with “numpty.” Not sure if this is better tbh.

[no name]

Had quite tight foreskin when younger. Girlfriend at university used her boobs to jerk me off and snapped my frenulum – bit of skin attaching bellend to foreskin – bled all over her chest and her shoes. Foreskin isn’t tight anymore. Every cloud etc.

CCASSIDY

Girlfriend got up to let the cat out one morning and told me she’d be back for some morning sex. She didn’t return and later when i asked her why she said oh I decided to make a coffee instead. That same night i f*cked her so hard just to reassert my dominance in the relationship

WHOCARES

I’m a complete failure.

MASTODON93

My girlfriend’s given me 3 blowjobs since we got together a year ago and one of them was on my birthday.

[no name]

When I get undressed I leave my underwear around one ankle and then flick it up into the air to catch it on my head. Then I nod it into the laundry basket and celebrate like Alan Shearer. My wife saw me do it the other day and only then did I realise how strange it is.

ANGELLORY

I kept an ex-boyfriend’s jumper for 2 years and would put it on and finger myself to his scent

[no name]

I sometimes piss in glasses at night as I’m lazy. To avoid suspicion from housemates when I take them down to empty out, I add a splash of blackcurrant squash to hide the colour.

BUD77LQ

My boss has cancer, he’s a 60 year Italian man and has just a few months left to live according to his doctor. We work at a food stall in central London and this week he proposed we get stoned before we start work and just serve people slices of pizza while baked all day. Love that guy, f*ck cancer.

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You are forgiven! See you next Friday.

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