Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #260



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Back in the 90s one of my mates had an illegal Sky box. If you remember at the time, WWF was the most popular thing going. There’d be like 5 of us watching a WWF PPV and if the match was crap, we’d switch over to Playboy or one of the freeview porn channels. A bunch of teenagers watching grown men in underwear “fight” and then straight up porn. I also used to record all the wrestling during the Attitude Era so my VHS tapes would keep switching between porn and wrestling. Was very challenging to wank to these tapes later, last thing I wanted was to finish as Stone Cold Steve Austin popped up on the screen.



Today I found out an older colleague who had been at our company for 25 years passed after being taken off the vent for covid. Imagine working a crappy job your whole life and then dying before retirement? Really put things into perspective for me.

strong core

My girlfriend hired a personal trainer to come to our house twice a week. I met her today. Polish girl who is an absolute knockout. I was legitimately speechless as I opened the door and just stood there like an idiot. Now I have to stop my brain trying to convince me that my girl is hinting at a threesome.

[no name]

coffee goes through me so quickly that i may as well drink it on the toilet. not an issue when i’m at home but it makes going out to coffee with people impossible



Had to decide between paying my car insurance and having enough coke for a friend’s birthday this month. Now I’ve just got to hope no one crashes into me.


I wish my girlfriend was more slutty

bog standard

Best move my wife and I have is to have sex BEFORE going out to dinner and drinking. Then we can stuff ourselves all night without feeling like a pair of hippos trying to mount each other when we get back home. Absolute gamechanger.



My mum used to take me to get pedicures and I would brag about it to my mates. God I was such a twat



Lately when I wank I just jizz on my shirt and throw it in the wash if I don’t have any tissues handy. I’m 27.



A few years ago had a really bad hangover. Went to wank off and soon as I finished I got this banging headache, really felt like something was seriously wrong. Lasted 10 minutes then was better. For the next week or so every time I tried wanking, same thing – intense pulsing headache. I was terrified, thought my dick to brain connection was somehow ruined and I’d never be able to cum again without getting a headache. I literally abstained from wanking for 2-3 weeks and tried to reset my dick/brain connection. I’m completely back to normal now and never told anyone until now, still not sure what the fuck that was about though.



Stacked it hard running up the escalators at King Cross the other day. Had to soldier the rest of the way up so I could get out of eye shot of any witnesses before showing any pain



Used my girlfriend’s razor to shave my pubes the other day. Little did I know her razor has these edges that produce soap as you shave – total game changer.  Absolutely the smoothest shave of my life.



2:30am one night I was texting this girl and convinced her to let me come round even though she made clear she was “really really tired”. I told her I was right by her accommodation even though I was miles away on another campus. I was so desperate that I ran while piss drunk at 2:30am for 35 minutes to get to hers (this was before Uber). The whole time I was dreading the “I changed my mind” text so I had to get there quick. Anyway got there in the end probably doing about a mile every 10 minutes. Didn’t get laid



I’m mid-way through season 5 of Breaking Bad and I’m just now realising that Walter White and the dad from Malcolm In The Middle are the same person



Whenever I’m crossing the street and a car slows down for me I always make sure to jog fast enough so that the car doesn’t have to stop/slow down too much, because I know how annoying it is when people take their time crossing the street. I like to think the driver really appreciates it but chances are they don’t even notice


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See you next Friday!



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