Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #251



The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.


My buddies think I have sex way more than I do and never tell them they’re wrong.



My office has a revolving door at the entrance and every time I pass through it I try to time a nasty coffee fart in the part I walk through. It’s usually busy so I know the next person coming through those doors has a 1 in 5 chance of being trapped with the smell of my arse. It’s the little things that get you through the day.


I lost an arm wrestle to my 14 year old nephew yesterday (I’m 35). I also hurt my back doing it. Life comes at you fast.


I once got told no by a girl even after going down on her. She goes to pee then comes back and says “thanks you can go now.” I said can’t you at least wank me off? She said nope, sorry. I asked to use the toilet before I left so I went in there, had a wank into her sink then wiped my dick on her towel and left. Still felt very used though.


The way my 4 year old draws people freaks me out and I’m genuinely worried he’s going to grow up to be a serial killer.



I was a pretty big nerd in school. In my first week of uni I had my first kiss, first blowjob, first feel of tits and lost my virginity all on the same day. I still can’t believe it.



I always wondered about those tiny white bumps scattered all around my balls and the base of my dick. Finally went to the doctor and he said they’re just hair follicles (I have also done STD tests which came back clear). Even though it’s normal would still rather they weren’t there

pond life

I’ve never been to a beach in my entire life. I’m 23.

pint of beer

brew crew

About three years ago I was jobless and constantly getting rejected after interviews. One day I had two interviews lined up and after the first didn’t go too well, I thought fuck it, I’ll have a couple pints and get a small buzz going before the next one. Guess what? I smashed the interview and got offered the job. Alcohol is your friend if used wisely.



I spent last weekend hanging out with the girl I fancy at her flat while she facetimed the guy she’s “in love with”. Well, safe to say I’m in the friendzone fellas.



Whenever I pick up McDonald’s on Friday I get an extra cheeseburger and box of chicken nuggets for myself which I eat on the drive home. Then before I get home I dump the evidence in the bin outside so my girlfriend doesn’t moan about me eating more than I need (yes I’m fat)



I report every status/photo/whatever that I don’t like on Facebook as offensive


nasty dasty

I came inside a 5/10 last weekend. Been worried sick to my stomach all week about possibly getting her pregnant. She says she took the pill but I don’t know. Pray for me please

Portrait of a happy young female using a laptop


I have a secret folder on my laptop of my boyfriend’s best mate who I have a fucked up crush on. Literally hundreds of pictures from Instagram and Facebook.



When I was about 8 my dad told me that Japanese people were half fish half human. I said it out loud in class and the teacher destroyed me in front of everyone. I was so baffled I started crying. Never dawned on me my dad was just taking the piss.


[Note – the Confessions box is permanently broken, send your confessions in at [email protected] or at the Facebook page – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous!).

See you next Friday!



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