The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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[no name]

I work in a primary school as a TA to an autistic boy and today in class I accidentally let out a silent but deadly fart while working with him. It absolutely fucking stank and the rest of the children in the class though it was him and I was too embarrassed to admit it was me. They laughed at him and he ended up crying. I feel really bad obviously but no one has any idea it was actually me, including him.

ochimus

My 14 year old brother is cooler than I am

simeone

When I was around 14 one of the hot girls at school left her gym bag open and her bra was right on top of everything. I stuffed it into my bag and took it home where I proceeded to wrap it around my dick and wank to completion. Good times.

schlodomir

When I was a kid I used to pick my nose and stick the bogeys under my bed — I called it my bogey farm. Today my bogey farm is under the driver’s seat in my car

Daryll

I really miss having sex with 18 year olds. Don’t waste your youth kids.

pumpz

A few years ago I had to testify in court over some landlord bollocks. I get to court early and go sit right at the back of the waiting area to wait for my lawyer. In the meantime I take out my phone to pass the time and forget that I haven’t used it since watching porn the night before. As soon as I open my browser the unmistakeable sound of some girl getting banged just blurts out of my phone at full volume. I shut it down within 1.5 seconds but by then it was too late. Literally everyone turned around and looked at me. To all of them it must’ve looked like I was intentionally trying to watch porn in court to pass the time like some deviant

shrivelledprunes

I used to think people who spoke more than one language were cleverer than me because they had to translate everything over from English when talking

DJC

Some kids on my street were kicking over bins and generally being nuisances, so I called the police who came down and got them to clear off. If that makes me a snitch, I don’t give a fuck

cauliflowerdave

I used to fake taking a shower when I was a kid. I’d just run the water for a bit and sprinkle a little bit on my hair. Too much effort washing everywhere and getting dried up afterwards.

blacklung

Years ago as a kid playing with my cousins and their dog in the park. My little cousin who’s about 7 is holding the lead and without thinking I pick up the tennis ball and throw it as far as I can. Lab jolts hard and speeds off dragging my cousin off with him and she goes skidding along the ground for a few feet. Scuffed herself up pretty badly and dislocated her shoulder which still gives her problems to this day. Sorry cuz.

jhnybrvo

I have to look at the diagrams on the machines at the gym to know how to work them.

Zapplin

We’ve got a mate in our group who’s still a virgin at 25. I don’t think he’s gay, just a bit of a weirdo. I can’t tell if he’s just not into women/sex in general or if it’s his shyness holding him back and he just feels like there’s no point even trying. We don’t bring it up or make ffun of him for it but the other day we were talking about getting a prostitute for him. I’m not sure that’s a good idea, but I really hope it’s not something that troubles him and that he can’t talk to us about it.

Moog

I turned down a threesome with two girls I work with because I didn’t think my wimpy penis could handle it

blakaboom

I once went out with a girl who’s dad was her gynaecologist. She didn’t think it was weird at all.

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[Note – the Confessions box appears to be broken, send your confessions in at [email protected] or at the Facebook page – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous).

See you next Friday!