The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
The first girl I ever had sex with told everyone I raped her. I had to change school and eventually city and it ruined my life even though I was never charged. Fuck her.
At a house party when I was 14 I went through someone’s things and stole their iPod. The following school day this person brought their sister’s skinhead boyfriend to school and he ended up headbutting my mate who everyone suspected took the iPod. I kept my mouth shut and still feel kind of guilty about it.
I gave myself a urinary tract infection by wiping my arse then using the same tissue to wipe my penis (folded but somehow microbes still got through). Doctor said it’s rare but it happens.
I lost my virginity to a girl who, let’s just say… her face would launch less than a thousand ships. So I lied to everyone that I was still a virgin for a whole year until I had sex with a decent looking girl at uni.
I tell everyone at uni that my chipped tooth is the result of a street fight I got into in when I was younger when the truth is I just used to grind my teeth really badly in my sleep.
I exaggerate my movements when putting my dick back in when I’m at the urinal so it seems like I’ve got a huge penis.
When I was younger I used to kiss my sister’s barbie on the lips hoping she’d come to life and be my girlfriend.
Was on a date with this girl off Tinder when I went to use the bathroom. I leant against the sink while washing my hands and realised it left a giant wet patch across the front of my crotch, making it look like I pissed myself. I used paper/dryer to dry it up but took way too long before going back out. For some reason I told the girl I took a number 2 instead of just telling the truth or saying I felt ill or something. Obviously didn’t get laid that night.
A female friend I’ve fancied for years left her email logged in on my laptop. I went through it and found a video of her fucking herself that she sent to her ex. I wank off to this video regularly.
I came during a lap dance once so told the girl I was too tired to have sex. Little did she know my boxers were drenched in cum.
I switch up the corner shops I get my booze from so that the people working there don’t realise what a fucked up lonely alcoholic I am.
Big Load 93
I used to do shared lifts with some girl from my school. I got horny one time in the back and had a wank under my jacket over her mum, looking at her in the mirror.
When I was younger me and my mates used to get together for group wanks. We’d build pillow forts between us so that no one could see what the other was doing and then order stuff on the porn channels (pre internet) and have a grand old time. Whoever finished first was required to say “First” and so on, not sure why. Kind of gay now that I think about it.
Fam Itz Me
I’m Facebook friends with Killa Kela even though I’ve never even met him but when people ask I say we used to hang out together when we were younger.
Our mate’s dog was called ‘Freeway’ and died after running out into the road and being hit by a car. Obviously sympathetic when our mate was around but we were cracking up at the irony of it all when he wasn’t. RIP Freeway.
[Note – the Confessions box appears to be broken, send your confessions in at email@example.com or at the Facebook page – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous).
See you next Friday!