The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
I’m pretty good on fixing computers etc and one holiday when i was about 17, my aunt asked me to have a look on hers as it was massively slow and annoying her. After running a couple of scans, i found the source, guess what it was, porn. This guy was using another browser which he’d been watching so much dodgy porn. The uncle was a proper arrogant diiickhead so i ended up clearing up the whole pc and put some safety filters on. I didn’t tell her why but felt well pleased with myself. I met him a few nights later and he was clearly trying to find out what i knew and how he could get his porn going again.
When i was about 9 I went to our local fishing pond to collect loads of frogs. I put them all in takeaway containers and put the lid on at night so they didn’t escape. Takeaway containers are pretty airtight so I woke up in the morning to over 20 suffocated dead frogs.
My girlfriend has started telling people she had coronavirus in January because she lost her sense of taste and smell for 48 hours. I don’t ever remember her even mentioning to me this even though she insists I just can’t remember. Is she gaslighting me? And for what reason?
I disgust myself with the girls I match on Tinder when I’m drunk. I’m talking actual gargoyles. Then I get drunk again and start chatting them up, what the fuck is wrong with me…
On a drunken night out i remember someone telling a really shit joke when all of a sudden I started yelling abort, abort… Admittedly like a nutter. One of the group of friends stormed off. Only after did someone explain she’d recently had one and it was still a bit raw. Never sobered up quite that quickly as i did then.
I’m a prominent poster on an escorts and prostitutes forum
When I was 14 I confronted the school bully who had been picking on my sister. He grabbed me by the shirt and threw me so hard into the wall that my shoes went flying off. He got expelled after that so in a roundabout way I was still kinda the hero.
A few years ago I had to testify in court over some landlord bollocks. I get to court early and go sit right at the back of the waiting area to wait for my lawyer. In the meantime I take out my phone to pass the time and forget that I haven’t used it since watching porn the night before. As soon as I open my browser the unmistakeable sound of some girl getting banged just blurts out of my phone at full volume. I shut it down within 1.5 seconds but by then it was too late. Literally everyone turned around and looked at me. To all of them it must’ve looked like I was intentionally trying to watch porn in court to pass the time like some deviant
I wear tracksuit bottoms under my jeans to hide my chicken legs
My friends all chipped in to get me a hooker for my 17th as I was the only virgin left in the group. They were all in the front room as I was supposedly losing my virginity in the bedroom. The truth is we spent the whole time talking because I was so nervous that I couldn’t get properly hard. I obviously told my friends I banged her though.
Me and my mate missed our connecting flight because he wanted to do tequila shots at the airport bar. I really need to start taking charge more
Sometimes when I’m smoking a zut in the garden at night I can see the silhouette of my neighbour (hot Indian girl) having a shower through the window. It’s very erotic.
Once I was drunk and having a wank session and the girl in the porn started measuring the guy’s dick. I decided to run downstairs into the garage and get some measuring tape so I could see how I compare.
I walk back into my room to see my dad standing there, looking quizzically at me while I’ve got a semi and measuring tape in my hand. He found it pretty funny to be fair
I smoke tons of weed and I’m pretty sure I’m getting dumber and dumber every day. I’m OK with it
I wank myself off to a female friend’s FB profile pic. Problem is she’s got her mum in the photo so I put a coin over her mum’s face
I never learnt to park (turn into bay, parallel, reversing in) so I never drive anywhere unless I’m confident I can find a space I can just nose into straight without any manoeuvreing, away from anybody’s sight. For this reason I take the bus to work and leave a nice German car on the driveway. Keep saying it’s because of the environment. I’m 36.
Once a month my foreign neighbour comes round and laughs at my penis whilst I wank. £20 a pop
Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.
See you next Friday!