Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #209

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.


Years ago me and my mates were driving home after a night out and thought it would be funny to stop off and steal a Shisha pipe from one of the shops on Edgware Road. So my mate jumped out, grabbed the shisha, threw it in the boot and off we went. We thought we were in the clear until a car full of hench Turkish/Arabic/whatever dudes pulled up next to us at the lights. We shat ourselves and popped the boot for them to grab the shisha, which they took back before smashing my buddy’s tail light and passenger window and gave my mate a whack in the head too. Lesson learned!


I don’t get the fascination with anal sex or eating butts. That’s where poo comes from. You’ve got poo on your dick/in your mouth. Am I missing something?


I hang around the feminine hygiene aisle at Tesco and when I see a girl enter the aisle, I try to guess whether she will go for pads or ‘pons.  I’m pretty good at guessing.


I was on holiday with my female cousin this year and she was a total slag all summer. Chatting up multiple guys on the beach, getting banged on a beach bed at night, flirting with guys for coke, getting fingered on dance floors etc. Maybe I’m just jealous because I’d totally bang her if she wasn’t my cousin.

hunter t

I would never cheat on my gf but sometimes when I’m out with the guys I chat up birds and soon as I’ve sealed the deal I walk away from the situation. Just to make sure I’ve still got my mojo.


I am getting emotionally abused by my girlfriend every day and I don’t know what to do anymore. At a wedding she purposely knocked my drink into me then had a go at me in front of everyone for spilling it. She gets a thrill out of putting me down in front of others.


I enjoy masturbating more than sex (don’t tell my girlfriend)

the prick

I’m really into my buddy’s ex of 3 years. She’s into me too. Really want to see what could happen with her but literally EVERYONE is telling me not to. Still might go for it.


When I was v young I went to a holiday resort with my family and ended up shitting in the resort swimming pool. Not a big shit, just a little nugget. Small enough that 6 year old me didn’t think anyone would notice. The next day we woke up and the staff were draining the pool and had to spend the rest of the day listening to my family complain about the “parents who let their kids shit in the pool”.


I’m pretty sure I’ve been clinically depressed for the last 5 years. I’m just too lazy and broke (and depressed) to do anything about


I had a rock hard boner for 15 minutes while waiting to be seen by the doctor this morning. Had to really focus to make it go down before my name was called.


I’m a huge fan of big boobs. I’m really thankful that my girlfriend has nice big boobs. I don’t even think they’re Ds but they’re a good handful and really nice and soft. Not really a confession but just want to give thanks.


10 years ago some street urchins followed me down a side road and swiped my trainers right off my feet while calling me a fassyhole and other unkind terms. I walked home in my socks feeling like the biggest twat ever. I still fantasise about hunting those fuckers down and doing some damage, even though it’s probably impossible at this point (filed police report, nothing happened).


I sucked my thumb until I was about 13


I’ve got a secret folder where I’ve saved Facebook pictures of my girlfriend’s friends. Words can’t describe the shame I feel in the moment following my wanks but I can’t help doing it again and again


There’s this guy I work with who abbreviates everything, even really short phrases. For example thank you becomes TYVM. It really fucks me off like really how time do you save? You must be so busy. Fuck you.


Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!


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