Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #207

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.



Girlfriend got up to let the cat out one morning and told me she’d be back for some morning sex. She didn’t return and later when i asked her why she said oh I decided to make a coffee instead. That same night i fucked her so hard just to reassert my dominance in the relationship


When I was in school me and my mate would cut off our pubes and sprinkle them on the girl we hated’s hair


I can only wank to transgender porn if they have a smaller cock than me.



I was so depressed about splitting up with my girlfriend, that I didn’t come into work for a week. Work rang and I told them that my mum had died and that the funeral was in another week. Anyway, everyone at work (about 60 people) have given their condolences and that. Still carrying on with the lie. Someone is going to find me out eventually.


I’m a complete failure.


Cool Guy 123

Sometimes I go to the toilet just to randomly wipe my arse without even taking a shit. Just feels right to give it a little wipe.



My girlfriend is an alcoholic who embarasses me every time we go out. One time I came out of a bar with my friends to find her laughing her head off while getting pretend shagged by her gay best mate over a barrier while everyone watched. Not sure how much longer I can put up with this…


johnny dreamer

My best friend got fed up with the 9-5 routine and quit the rat race about a year ago to live in Thailand. He lives by the beach, has his own fishing boat, works as a diving instructor and chills in the sun all day. If things don’t pick up for me soon I’m 95% sure I’m going to accept his invitation to go out there and join him.



I can’t physically get out of bed until I’ve had a wank.



I’ve been with my girlfriend 5 years and recently got on Tinder. I would never cheat on my girlfriend just want to remember what it’s like to be single for a change. When things go too far in the chats I just block the girls (but not before screenshotting their pictures)


I once blagged a free taxi ride from town by telling the driver I was an undercover policeman and needed to get to a police station. It worked and I got a free ride…to a police station nowhere near my house. I also threw up all over the front of this random police station. I had to walk further home from this police station than I would have if I just walked from town



I watched ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ alone last night while eating a tub of Haagen Dasz. I’m a 22 year old male. What can I say? I love rom coms.



I once left Indian takeaway left overs in my bedroom for so long that the smell became unbearable. When someone smelt it I convinced them my hedgehog had diarrhoea. Upon inspection later I found that the plate was filled with maggots. Rather than admit this to anyone in my household I scraped the plate off into a neighbours garden to hide the evidence.


retro adam

Once I was having sex with my girlfriend in reverse cowgirl while I worked her arse with a butt plug. We got a bit carried away and I ended up losing the butt plug inside her arse prompting the biggest panic freak out ever on her part. In the end I calmed her down and managed to pull it out along with that day’s shit. Surprisingly we are still together and all the closer for it.



Sometimes when I come home drunk I piss in the sink because I can’t be bothered to lift up the toilet seat



I sold an 1/8th of some random food spice to a kid with autism at my uni because my mates thought it would be the funniest thing ever. I still torture myself over that 5 years on… how could I be such a heartless prick. Wish I could run into the guy again and do something nice for him


Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!


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