The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
I was raised by my grandparents who were retired and some days when I wanted to skip school literally hid in my room all day until 4pm, put on my school uniform then jump out the window and turn up at the front door pretending I’d just come back off the bus. Some days I even had to shit in a shoebox in my room so that they wouldn’t clock me moving around the house.
Even in this heat I refuse to wear shorts because I would rather sweat my bollocks off than expose my chicken legs to the world.
There was a girl at uni who was a bit obsessed with me but I didn’t fancy her so always turned her down when she tried it. On a couple occasions I let her wank/suck me when I was drunk but that’s it. Anyway on the last week of uni she said she wanted to give me one last handjob and I obliged. I laid back on her bed with my eyes closed and enjoyed the experience but out of nowhere she jumped onto my dick and essentially started raping me. She was already so wet and I’m not the biggest anyway so it just slipped right in. I thought “fuck it” and let her ride till I came inside her bareback. I was freaking out about that for weeks but thankfully she didn’t have my baby… that I know of.
I was so drunk one time I stood up on my bedside table and tried to piss through my window, except I didn’t realise the window was closed to I pissed all over myself instead
Pierre Le Cochon
I fell asleep on the bus last night. Woke up lock in the bus depo at 5.30am. Called 999 and waited for the police to come get me out. Went back to sleep until 7.30 when the driver started work. Not sure if the police came or not. I had a great sleep and the depo was next to a blinding cafe. Win.
I was involved in a road rage incident and when we pulled up at some lights the guy got out of his car and came to my window. I was too much of a pussy to roll my window down so he just had a go at me for a couple minutes then went back to his car. Apparently I was ‘the bigger man’ but I still feel like such a pussy especially with my girlfriend in the car.
I signed up to the OnlyFans of that girl who sucked off 7 NBA players in one night. $22.50 for 30 days. She is one naughty little minx trust me.
When I was horribly addicted to ketamine and had no k left to snort I tried to cook up my drip in a frying pan for it to recrystallize. It didn’t work.
I realised how shockingly sexist I am the other day when I was surprised that the female hairdresser managed to cut my hair the way I wanted. Deep down I really believed that only men could cut men’s hair properly. Time to reassess my whole belief system I think
Back in school me and my brothers and a few mates used to smoke weed and play N64 games in my parents garage, which we aptly named the crackden due to the amount of graffiti on the walls and the shitty furniture we used to lounge on. Anyway, one 4th April when we were super baked one of my friends sprayed ‘Weed Mubarak’ on the ceiling of the garage. I was dating a Muslim girl at the time and brought her back to mine a couple of weeks later, parents were in so I suggested we go up to the ‘crackden’ to smoke a joint, we started fooling around for a bit when suddenly she stopped to look up and slapped me in the face before picking up all her stuff and telling me how much of an Islamophobe I was for spraypainting something like that. Never got to see her again and was super pissed because she had massive tits.
My girlfriend only lets me play Warzone for 2 hours every night. My mates play as long as they want and their girlfriends suffer in the background and deal with it. Am I a good boyfriend or just a sucker?
My dog tried to hump my leg for the first time in 7 years and now I’m panicked that I’ve developed a “soft” presence
Shameless cock sucker
I’m a 66 year old man, and I purposely got caught by my 93 year old mother giving a man a blow job.
I used to cyber bully a kid big time on an old garage music forum years ago. The guy was already depressed and then one day just disappeared off the site completely after a meltdown caused by me and some others. Nearly 10 years on I still wonder what happened to him
I used to open up my laptop and Sick Chirpse every time after sex, kind of like a ritual and now my girlfriend hates this site with a passion and has banned my laptop from the bedroom.
I have masturbated to completion in over 20 countries around the world.
Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.
See you next Friday!