The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
My biggest regret in life was having a girlfriend when I was at uni. What an idiot, what a fucking idiot.
I had a best friend since I was young called Tai. We went through school together, EMT and fire academy. Did everything together he was my brother. So one night drunk we had a threesome with this girl and said girl told my wife who threatened to leave me and take our daughter if I ever see him again. I miss him terribly Tai if you’re reading this love you mate I wish things were different
My go-to deliveroo spot rejected my order and I thought little of it (not a proper takeaway, just a woman cooking in her kitchen)… Maybe they’re just too busy to take anything else on right now I thought, I’ll go elsewhere. No big deal. Got a call 20 minutes later profusely apologising with them referring to me by my first name. “You’re our best customer!” they said “It was a mistake!” they said. I’ve literally been financially supporting this family throughout lock down with my greed and laziness.
I told a homeless guy to have a good weekend and I’ve been torturing myself over how stupid that was ever since
I told my girlfriend I’m getting her laser hair removal sessions for her bday. She got excited saying she would use them on her lips and cheeks. I suggested she use them on her bum hole as thats why I am buying them. She didn’t take it well.
I beat up Minty from eastenders
My girlfriend dyed her hair purple right before she’s due to meet my parents. How stupid can you be.
I often have the thought that I’m like Truman in the Truman show, then I have the hard realisation that my life is so mundane no one would watch. Im a overwieght bald guy in my early thirties nowhere near attractive enough that people would watch me play video games and wank myself dry.
I once shaved my vagina in the car because it was too late to go to my parents house and I knew I was getting sex at the bar I was going to…..
Whenever I jizz too fast when wearing a condom I just keep composed and keep on pumping until my dick is a soft noodle, just to add a few seconds to an already disappointing performance.
Walking home drunk one night and I fell over and busted my face up. I lost my wallet so decided to walk to a petrol station and in my wasted state thought the guy would give me a pack of cigarettes if I told him I got jacked. I must have been annoying him for 10 minutes and that’s when a police car and ambulance arrived. I told them I was all good and didn’t need any assistance and didn’t want to file a report. The policeman looked me dead in the eye and said “what if this happens again to someone else you could have stopped it”. So I went to the police station and filed a false police report
I went through my longtime boyfriend’s phone to find a DM from 3 years before we began dating. I still got mad that he replied… why am I like this?
It really pisses me off when the fasten seatbelt light turns off on the plane and everyone gets up super quick like they’re in a hurry or something. Sit the fuck down, you’re not going anywhere.
Me and my girlfriend have herpes (she gave it to me) so I guess we’re destined to be together forever now
I regularly wank in customers houses. I don’t know why but it’s become a habit now almost a game
In Year 8 science I pronounced organism as ‘orgasm’ and the whole class laughed and I was embarrassed. To calm me down my teacher told me everyone would forget in 2 weeks. Well its been 15 years and I still remember. I still remember.
Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.
See you next Friday!