The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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wolfgung

Went to my eye doctor last week. She is very fit. We chatted about potential plans for summer and she mentioned how she can’t wait to be on the beach and sunbathe. I wanked off that night thinking about how she looks in a bikini/on the beach etc. I am absolutely pathetic.

Domiqz

Had a crush on a girl I work with and only took me a year and a half to ask her out on a date. She said no.

mighty sam

I woke up to my girlfriend playing ALL her Snapchat stories on full blast aka her annoying friends screaming. I asked her politely to take it next door and she basically threw a fit and stormed out. Argued all day about random crap because of this. Lol, girls man.

codquads

Haven’t spoken to my mate in 2 weeks ever since we had an argument on Warzone where I said he was the weak link on the team. Now he just plays Solos and ignores our texts. Think I really upset him.

The Great British Outdoors

I went canal fishing last week and did my first my outdoor poo.

perfectplex

My neighbour’s daughter is about 16-17 but already really hot. Once she hits 18 I’m hoping for a porno style scenario where she knocks on the door and one thing will lead to another. I need to leave the house more is what I’m realising while typing this.

Baker

I call technical support centres for products i don’t even own in the hope of being directed to an Indian call centre because i become so aroused by the accents of their women and prefer to masturbate while on the line to them instead of watching porn.

afro king

My bum itches at night and I’m addicted to scratching it. It feels amazing and I hate myself for enjoying the feeling.

theoriginalbull

I once paid for two threesomes in one night after taking viagra in Vegas. The girls were 6 -7s but one of them was an 8. Amazing, a night I’ll never forget.

iam-jd

I found out that my enemy was evading tax and filled in a form online grassing him up (terrible i know). I pussied out though when they asked whether i’d be willing to testify against him in court. God i’m such a piece of a shit.

sky261

Whenever I cum too fast while wearing a condom I keep on pumping until my penis is a complete noodle just to give the impression I lasted a little bit longer than I did

dont sweat life

Was going thru the old porn collection the other day and realised the pictures of my girlfriend from high school are from when she was 15-16. Think that might be illegal but had a great wank sesh regardless.

dicker

When I was in my early teens i used to hear about horrible stuff people do like cheating, told myself id never be like that. Fast forward to 23 and yesterday I broke quarantine to go shag my close mates ex in a field.

just da tip

Celed jihad dot com. Thank me later.

abaggins

I used to always be an apologist for police brutality and find a way to blame the behaviour and lack of cooperation of the victims for putting police in highly stressed states to justify their actions. I used to pull up statistics that showed police killed more whites per year than blacks. But after that video of the black guy being killed in America I just can’t defend them anymore. America is a racist shit hole country and something needs to be done about it.

bhairava

I am 5’9 with a 5 inch dick and my twin bro is 6 foot with a 7 inch dick. How is that possible?

klark

My girlfriend thinks I like to cuddle, but in reality the more I spoon her the faster she falls asleep so I can grab the ipad and have a cheeky late night wank.

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!