The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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steveh24

With nothing to do, it’s just been cocaine, booze and weed for me all quarantine. Not in any way shape or form am I bragging but it’s actually amazing I’m still alive.

mr fuzzy face

I’ve been passing time (and wind) in quarantine by voice recording my own farts and sending them to random numbers. It’s such a thrill waiting for the response.

zjjamez

My girlfriend’s 20 something year old cousin started doing porn. I’m the only one from the family she hasn’t blocked on social media. She’s kind of gross but as the weeks go by I’m literally checking almost every day for new content. Trying to figure out how to sign up for full access without giving any personal info.

somelostsoul

I’m not as tough a person as I act online.

teflon95

I went on a Tinder date and the girl said she did 600 hits of acid in the last year.  That seems a little excessive right?

raspberrykal

I think it’s going to come out eventually that while many have died from Coronavirus, the whole thing is going to be looked back on as a sham. While almost 300k have died (so far), the average age of death is older than the average lifespan of the average person. Also hospitals are receiving large sums of cash to attribute patient death to COVID-19 (see PPP stimulus bill for example), and hospitals have to decide between accepting the funds by ticking the COVID box or ignoring it and watching their hospital fall so far into debt they can’t hire their furloughed doctors back. Just a theory but one I believe.

Eric The Mexican

I fancied Adele loads more when she was porky.

Catmanpoo

Does anyone else find Kim Jong-Un’s sister strangely attractive or is it just me? Imagine doing it with someone who could literally feed you to starving dogs if you pissed her off.

clandestinearts

My boyfriend folds towels in long narrow rectangles. It’s been bothering me for 3 years.

Dioo__

I once smashed 6 beers in a row then tried to take a shit off the side of a boat. The poop landed in my trunks so I had to jump into the water to freshen up. No one noticed!

nutrino

My pubes haven’t been this long since I was 15

choose life

I’m young, healthy, not obese, no underlying health conditions, and I’m sorry but I want to go back to work. But I can’t even express that because people will think I’m a heartless bastard who doesn’t care if people die.

superelfraju

Have you ever been wanking and then get a text from like your mum and lose your boner?

boog bait

I’m terrible at my job and no one noticed until this fuckin virus happened and they had to start cutting costs. FML.

egodefencemechanism

Can’t wait to have sex with my GF when quarantine ends. We both live with our parents and decided to respect the lockdown to protect them (her parents are in their 60s). Can’t wait, I’m gonna go HAM on her tits and stick it in her butt!!!

[noname]

Went for a happy ending massage and got a trainee girl who didn’t have a clue how to give a proper massage. With 5 minutes to go the madam came in to teach her how to “finish” the massage properly. So for those last 5 mins I had 4 hands down there playing with my cock. Really made up for those previous 55 minutes

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!