Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #189

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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amnezia247

My granddad fell asleep in my brand new £800 leather recliner chair and pissed all over it. I was so annoyed but tried not to show it, I think he realised I was pissed off with him though. It turns out he pissed himself because he had a tumour in his bladder and died 6 weeks later.

DJC

Some kids on my street were kicking over bins and generally being nuisances, so I called the police who came down and got them to clear off. If that makes me a snitch, I don’t give a fuck

drb

I am in love with my girlfriend’s 18 year old cousin. It sounds pathetic but I’d do anything to fuck her. I’m 25.

imdavid

When I was about 8 my dad told me that Japanese people were half fish half human. I said it out loud in class and the teacher destroyed me in front of everyone. I was so baffled I started crying. Never dawned on me my dad was just taking the piss

overclocker

I’ve read a lot of stories and seen videos about police abusing their power and I always say well, if you didn’t break the law in the first place, you wouldn’t be in this position. I would always defend the police. Irony is I recently got fined for pissing in a side street and now I want all cops to die

Hummus

Quarantine with my girlfriend is fucking shite

Drain_The_Pain

I remember my first wank like it was yesterday. When I was little we had Sky analog, when my parents went to bed I use to stay up and watch WWF Raw is War on a Friday night, one Friday night the wrestling finished and suddenly private blue came on the TV, my heart began to beat extremely fast and I got a hard on, I touched myself and suddenly felt like I was going to piss so I ran to the drain, which was next to the back door and proceeded to cum down the drain. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but now I realise it was the best wank I ever had. I was roughly 11 years of age, I’m 28 now.

weealex

I love sneezing into my hands and wiping it on my girlfriend’s cat

James Blunt

I peaked too early and for a brief period of time I was number one pick in most girls ‘Top 5’. You know, when the leader of the girl gang fancies you so all the other girls do too. Well, later at someone’s birthday disco I slow-danced with said girl to James Blunt’s ‘You’re Beautiful’ and lip-sync the whole thing too her. I had to wait years and pass two sets of serious exams before I could properly recover from that.

mytimesup

I don’t enjoy eating pussy and it’s really messing with my relationship prospects

Dirtbox

I stalk the hot girls I went to school with on FB. I screenshot the pics I like and have a wank folder. Classic

pondlife

I check my toilet paper after every wipe. On the odd occasion there’s a streak of blood in there but nothing to worry about I think

bloodytosser

My girlfriend was telling me about her loser ex boyfriend who dropped out of uni twice and is now back there trying a new course. Little does she know I did the exact same thing and totally bullshitted her when I said I was working for 3 years after school.

Sgt.orange

I had a nostalgia wank to Christina Aguilera Dirrty earlier

exyayofiend

When I was 15 I punched my mum in the face because she came in my room while I was sleeping, having a go at me and pulled open the blinds while I was on a massive coke comedown. We’re friends now though