Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #182

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.



I went home with a woman in her late 40s (I was 22 at the time) and when we got to hers her 15 year old son was still awake. He had a go at her from the top of the stairs about being drunk and being a shit mum while I sat on the couch pretending I couldn’t hear him. I’d love to say I did the right thing and left but there was no way I wasn’t having sex with her. Still felt bad for the kid though.

(L-r) ZACH GALIFIANAKIS as Alan, MASON LEE as Teddy, BRADLEY COOPER as Phil, ED HELMS as Stu and JUSTIN BARTHA as Doug in Warner Bros. Pictures’ and Legendary Pictures’ comedy “THE HANGOVER PART II,” a Warner Bros. Pictures release.


I get nervous whenever I open the web browser on my phone around others because I can never remember whether I closed the previous night’s porno



Confessions has given me confidence as it relates to my penis size, how long I last and the quality of women I have sex with. Didn’t realise there was so many people worse off than me out there. Sincere thanks.



I’m attracted to literally all of my girlfriend’s girlfriends



I was at a mate’s house party, so drunk that I was conked out face first in the garden. My friends thought it’d be funny to tell this girl there (a soft 5) that I thought she was fit and was waiting for her in the garden. Anyway she actually came outside and started shaking me to wake me up and eventually I accepted her assistance, not knowing what was going on. Got up, went inside, she ended up playing with and sucking my limp penis till I fell asleep.



My relationship with my girlfriend has become virtually non-existant in the last few years. I’m so lonely that I choose which till to pay for my weekly shop based not on the length of the line but on the fitness of the girl on the checkout as that small interaction is often the highlight of my week. Is this it?


I miss been able to go out and drink and do drugs for days on end without needing 3 days to recover. At 25 my shitty lifestyle has peaked and it makes me so sad.


I used to be really fat and recently lost a ton of weight. At a mate’s birthday recently I ran into a girl who used to cuss the shit out of me in school and she’s BALLOONED the fuck up. I can’t begin to tell you how awesome that made me feel. Not really a confession but my proudest moment!


[name withheld]

me and my girlfriend use to get high on mdma and fuck on chat roulette, I kinda liked it when people watched it



I got super stoned the other day and read through all of Apple’s terms & conditions



I was at a house party at uni when I saw this girl who I had my eye on. We’re both drunk and we start talking and eventually dancing. We’re both talking shit and she tells me that her ex is here at the party with another girl. She’s clearly upset by it and start proper grinding and kissing me and grabbing my dick in front of him to make him jealous and I just roll with it. Anyway I look across the room and I see her ex screwfacing me, so drunk idiot that I am I wave at him while I grab a fat chunk of her arse. About 10 minutes later I’m walking to the bathroom and he does a run up and boots me in the back sending me flying into the door. First thing I realise is that my front two teeth are missing — they both got knocked clean out.

Now I’ve got two fake front teeth. I prefer not to taunt people’s exes these days.


Gary Oak

Whenever I go for a piss I blastoise (e.g the pokemon) which is when you pull your foreskin over your dick and let it fill up like a balloon, I haven’t pissed normally whilst standing up for years.



I spent too much money on holiday and had to walk an hour to call my mum on a payphone to lie and say I was mugged and if she could transfer 300 quid



I got with a Chinese girl once who pulled my boxers down, started laughing and went “oooh, so big!”. I’m barely 6 inches so I still don’t know if she was being sarcastic or thought I was big because she’s Chinese and only ever seen little ones



I take at least 3 shits a day, and sometimes up to 6 or 7 for a few months now. Should I be worried?



If my ethnic friends could hear the way my dad talks about Muslims and black people I’m pretty sure they’d stop hanging out with me on principle


Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!


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