The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
My girlfriend got too wasted so I spent the end of 2019/start off 2020 alone in a hotel room with her while she slept. Cheers babe.
My first year uni accommodation had shared bathrooms, so naturally I got crippling constipation. So I found an empty shoebox and squatted in the middle of my bedroom, producing the largest poo I’ve done to date. Then I had to run to the communal bins outside and throw it away. Thank god I didn’t bump into anyone.
I’ve been wearing the same boxers for 4 days in a row
I get really pissed off when I let someone merge ahead of me in traffic and they don’t give me any acknowledgment
The Pie Poker
One of my best mates got married a couple years back. Me and my other best mate were ushers and had to stand up the front. After the ceremony was over and everyone left, we noticed that there was a toilet hidden to the side of the pulpit. Like the good Christian lads that we are, we both went straight into the toilet and done a fat line of Coke each.
I’ve cum inside so many random girls over the years without getting a single one of them pregnant that I’m 90% sure I’m sterile
I didn’t wish my mother-in-law a happy birthday because I was stoned all day and didn’t trust myself to sound coherent on the phone
I was so engrossed in a game of FIFA online that ended with me winning 5-4 in injury time that I felt an anxiety attack coming on when it ended.
I’m shit at everything
I matched with a bigger girl on Tinder who I’m meeting this weekend and I’ve been preparing myself by watching only BBW porn
I’ve been unemployed for about 6 weeks now. The amount of times I’ve wanked off in that time is ridiculous
I dated this girl for a number of years, so naturally every once in a while things would get a little stale in the bedroom. Never one for planning, I’d usually decide what bizarre shit I was gonna try on her in the moment – if it feels right, fuck it, right? Well, one particular afternoon I’m hitting her from the back with my thumb up her ass, bowling ball style. Feeling the urge for some anal I went to put my dick in, but came up dry, we’d been smoking heavily and the cottonmouth was murder so I was unable to produce any spit even though she was totally game. I frantically looked around for lube, not wanting to spoil the moment, but there was nothing. Just a single solitary can of green tea on the night stand. Fuck it, I thought to myself. I pulled up a mouthful of tea, spit it in her ass & went to town anyways. After 5 minutes it was so sticky she forced me to stop.
My girlfriend’s family dog died this week. We’re all very sad but that dog was literally the only thing that made visiting my in-laws bearable. I’m gonna miss you Miles.
I always thought of myself as quite intelligent but lacking motivation. Now that I’m older I still believe I’m unmotivated, but I’ve also realised I’m pretty stupid as well. I’ve accepted it now but it was quite the shock realisation after having parents and schools teachers gas me up all those years.
Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.
See you next Friday!