The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
When I was 8 or 9 I shat myself in PE. Just one little nugget of poo that went down my shorts and onto the gym mats. Our teacher (hilarious German guy) saw it and said “OK, who has been eating chocolate?”. He made us line up and show him our teeth. Then he bent over, picked up my poo, and went and put it in the bin. Later I saw him washing his hands at the water fountain looking pissed off and asked him what he was doing. He said “Well, Matthew, I thought that was a little piece of chocolate, but now I realise…it was something else.”
I watch entire Netflix movies and series at work. Nobody notices or cares.
I always end up leaving work xmas dos 100% sure that i have been caught staring at someones cleaveage or arse. Sure enough, 2 for 2 this year.
I downloaded an internet history recovery app called Phone Rescue to find a porn I watched months ago.
My friend is usually the resident drinks-mixer at parties and always overdoes the alcohol/mixer ratio. One night we were leaving this house party on the second floor where the stairs to the ground floor were really steep and narrow. For some reason he tries running down the stairs to overtake me and trips up, smashing face first into the ground and knocking himself out. Loads of people were gathered round watching/taking pictures etc when suddenly you see this massive dark, wet spot start to form around his jeans and just grow and grow. Would have been funnier if I didn’t have to carry him home in his piss-soaked jeans.
I sit on the toilet for a solid 20-30 minutes every time I take a shit. I can never feel my legs after.
I’ve never been so shocked as when I found out I had chlamydia. I genuinely believed that because I came from a good background I was above getting STD’s.
After 2-3 glasses of wine my girlfriend is so much fun to be around. She’s funny, will do literally anything in bed and gives amazing head. More than 3 glasses though and she becomes insufferable and impossible to deal with. Need to find a way to limit her to 2 or 3 glasses only.
I’m 33 and I’ve never been bowling.
I spent some time living in Russia and the biggest difference between there and here is that people don’t expect you to be friendly to others. If you walk around in public smiling at everyone, people think you’re mentally ill.
My ex was the master of riding dick and now I can’t wank off to porn unless there’s a cowgirl scene
When I was 16 I worked in a takeaway and one night got chatting to this hot slut who lived out of town, 12 miles away to be precise. I didn’t have a license at the time but I would pedal my bike for 12 miles there and back most days as we progressed from kissing and touching to BJ and fingering and sex. She was a smoker and had nasty breath but her body was amazing. Never forget those long bike rides listening to tunes on the way there
Me and my girlfriend went through a gram of ket while watching Britain’s got talent
I occasionally wear two bras to enhance my boobular region 🙁
My girlfriend’s dad has a rose tattoo on his arm which I always found a bit weird as he doesn’t seem the type. The other day we had some drinks and he told me it actually covers up his previous tattoo which was a naked lady he got when he was a teen. If you look closely you can still see her tits through the ink. I feel we really bonded with that talk
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Submit your confession(s) for next week HERE – see you next Friday.