The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
When I was 13 I got into some mischief and was running away from the police. I climbed onto a wall and thought a great hiding place would be if I just lay flat on top of the wall like a pencil. 30 secs later I get a flashlight in my face and the policeman sees me planking on top of the wall. He goes “what are you doing? i can see you”. Never was much of a crook.
My girlfriend is ridiculously out of my league. It’s only a matter of time before she realises.
Whenever I see a car full of people over the age of 40 it always surprises me for some reason
Wheelie Bin Laden
Every time I drive past my ex girlfriend’s parents’ house I feel compelled to bosh their wheelie bin over with the car. I did it once out of rage when we first broke up and it just felt like the best stress relief ever, it just became a habit after that.
Went to my school reunion last summer and ended up talking to a former girl’s basketball champion who was a couple years older than me. I remember going to some of her games when I was like 13. Anyway at the end of the night she’s quite drunk and comes up to me and says “you know we could fuck if you want”. She’s taller than me and her face isn’t the best so I didn’t go through with it. Now I think about it, I should have though. Looked her up the other day, she’s playing professional basketball in Russia.
I got suspended from school because I told the history teacher he walks like he has a dildo up his arse
I cancelled my gym membership because my instructor was too hard on me. He flipped out at me in front of the whole gym because he realised I was bullshitting him for weeks on my food intake.
I watched animated porn for the first time recently. It was Meg from Family Guy and Steve from American Dad shagging and then Lois comes in, batters Meg and rapes Steve. Bit weird but can’t say I hated it
I get irrationally angry when I join the end of a queue and then no ones stands behind me. Feels like I’m the biggest loser in the line.
I am an Army soldier who was deployed to Afghanistan. At the outpost, when I got horny I often jerked off in the man-made outhouse. I seriously know what my semen looks like on a pile of someone else’s shit.
After a solid 6 month dry spell I finally brought home a hard 3/10 last night and did the deed. Came uncontrollably in under 2 minutes. I’m just happy to be back in the game.
When I was a teen I stole a passport I found at the post office mailing something for my mum. Instead of handing it in there or police I went to the nearest kebab shop and asked the Turkish guys behind the counter if they were interested in buying it (no idea why I thought they would be). They started screaming at me and I’ve never ran from anywhere that fast in my life.
I can’t physically get out of bed until I’ve had a wank.
I used to think ‘dark comedy’ meant comedy for black people
cooler than all of u
I really don’t understand how some Sick Chirpse readers drink and do coke alone as seen in Confessions a few times. Sort it out you mugs.
Last week my room mate brought home this tinder girl and because our beds are in the same room. I had to listen to a whole weekend of them fucking when they thought I was asleep. Instead of telling them to shut up, I had wank to the sound of her sharp breaths, while thinking of my room mates little sister. (Solid 9/10). Not even slightly ashamed. Great wank.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week HERE – see you next Friday.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.