The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
Big Load 93
I used to do shared lifts with some girl from my school. I got horny one time in the back and had a wank under my jacket over her mum, looking at her in the mirror.
I bought some coke with the birthday money my granddad gave me and had one of the best nights of my life. Thanks granddad!
I drove 45 minutes to meet a girl I’d been talking to for 3 hours on Tinder at her house. She didn’t look like her pics so after literally 1 minute I said I forgot something in the car and drove off with my heart in my mouth, never to be seen again. Her text to me 5 mins later = “dick head”
I was running up the stairs at my girlfriend’s house and smashed my toe against the stairs, screaming in pain and taking far too long to fully recover. Her dad now thinks I’m the biggest pussy on Earth and don’t know what manly act I’m going to have to commit to make it up to him
I got started on by a couple of school kids (13 or 14 yrs maybe) on the bus for no reason. I ignored them the whole time but as I left the bus one of them pulled me back from my backpack. That’s when I snapped and turned and yelled at him “what the FUCKS wrong with you?”…. he was not scared at all. People broke us up and I’m glad they did because I think he would have kicked my ass. I’m 25.
Definitely not a Tory
The amount of girls I’ve slept with who’s bio says ‘never kissed a Tory’ is jokes
My Girlfriend is away for the weekend and all my friends are busy. Just ordered a gram to take by myself, literally can’t contain my excitement. Been telling everyone I’m just going to have a beer and watch a movie.
Last weekend I got smashed at my mate’s house party and accidentally pissed all over his magazine rack next to the toilet because my aim was so off. Oh well, hope it dried before anyone noticed
There’s a girl who lives down the corridor from me at uni who has Aspergers and Bipolar and the other night I got a rare chance to talk to her during a fire alarm. She was drunk and strongly hinting at sex and talking about how casual she is about sex but I just didn’t go through with it. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about and let’s just say the next time that opportunity presents itself I’m going to fuck the absolute shit out of her just like she wants
I’ve been depressed for over 10 years.
Was on a date with this girl off Tinder when I went to use the bathroom. I leant against the sink while washing my hands and realised it left a giant wet patch across the front of my crotch, making it look like I pissed myself. I used paper/dryer to dry it up but took way too long before going back out. For some reason I told the girl I took a number 2 instead of just telling the truth or saying I felt ill or something. Obviously didn’t get laid that night
I’m 29 years old and still dream of becoming a famous footballer one day.
At a house party when I was 14 I went through someone’s things and stole their iPod. The following school day this person brought their sister’s skinhead boyfriend to school and he ended up headbutting my mate who everyone suspected took the iPod. I kept my mouth shut and still feel kind of guilty about it.
Was using the shower straight after my girlfriend once and noticed a little Malteser sized spec of poo on the drain.. Didn’t freak me out as much as it should have
One day I’m going to pay my parents back for the all money they put into my account not knowing all the shit I spend it on like weed booze and takeaway. I really don’t deserve such awesome parents. 1 more year of getting shitfaced then I’m getting my llife back on track.
Submit your anonymous confession(s) for next week HERE!
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.