The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
Sometimes my girlfriend doesn’t shower for 4 days
I lost my virginity to a girl who, let’s just say… her face would launch less than a thousand ships. So I lied to everyone that I was still a virgin for a whole year until I had sex with a decent looking girl at uni.
I have read Sick Chirpse almost every day for the last 2 years. Not sure what that says about me.
I filed a complaint with my accommodation master at uni because there’s a security guard who keeps coming to door and chatting to me (I’ve gathered he just wants to perv on the girls that live with me – it’s an all-girl flat except for me). Now I can’t look him in the eye any time I see him on campus.
I pee all over the cubicle in club toilets and don’t feel bad cos I know it’s just my drunk alter ego and I’m a sound guy really
My girlfriend wasn’t in the mood so I paid her £20 for a blowjob and she graciously accepted
When I was younger I used to kiss my sister’s barbie on the lips hoping she’d come to life and be my girlfriend.
This weekend I had my first one night stand – it was fucking awful. He managed to get hard but that was about it, he didn’t know where to put his penis and would continually take off the condoms, throw them at me and still try and have sex with me. He then left my room, flashed my flatmate, came back and demanded a massage then fell asleep in my bed so I couldn’t kick him out.
What a waste of condoms.
I pulled a bird at a bar, we ended up going back to hers and banging. Her gaff was pretty close to town so after we finished up I got dressed and bailed back to another bar, I ended up bumping into my ex bird and going back to hers. Long story short my ex bird sucked another lasses disco minge off my dick.
I wet the bed after a one night stand at uni but left in the morning before he woke up. Spent the next 2 years panicking avoiding him on campus and around town.
I got hideously drunk with my best mate and her boyfriend and we ended up playing strip spin the bottle. Me and him dipped our cocks in her flatmate’s milk because they were an asshole, she danced on the kitchen table completely naked and we all shared a heated three way kiss. I had a steady girlfriend at the time, never told her a word of it and never felt in the slightest bit guilty. Still don’t to this day.
Last night me and my girlfriend got stupidly baked and watched a full length Backstreet Boys concert on YouTube. It was immense!
3 o clock
I take screenshots of girls on Tinder who I know won’t swipe right for me
When I was younger me and my mates used to get together for group wanks. We’d build pillow forts between us so that no one could see what the other was doing and then order stuff on the porn channels (pre internet) and have a grand old time. Whoever finished first was required to say “First” and so on, not sure why. Kind of gay now that I think about it.
I found out the kid I used to bully in school became a police officer in our area so I immediately friended him on Facebook to make sure we’re cool. He was a bit weirded out but don’t think he holds a grudge
I was on a team building trip with work when my boss’s phone died and I stupidly said she could use mine to look up closing times. I’m 99% sure from the look on her face that she saw something dodgy in my search history.
I hate my job and all of the people who work in the office – I legit don’t even muster a hi or bye, I take a 2 hour lunch and spend a further 2 hours watching Netflix on my phone – pretty savage tbf
I’m 23 and still wear shorts under my tracksuit because I’m terrified my friends will pull my trousers down in public the way they used to at school.
Submit your anonymous confession(s) for next week HERE
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.