The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
Booked myself a massage and took an edible before I went. By the time I arrived at the place I was high as fuck. The masseuse, a really lively Polish woman, introduced herself, “Hi! My name is Kat!”. To which I replied “Hi I’m Kat”. Never cringed so hard in my life. I’m sure she was taking the piss out of me to the other staff as I was getting ready afterwards.
I often lie about my plans after work to avoid going on the train with my co-workers
My girlfriend looks like Gianna Michaels minus the huge boobs and willingness to give BJs
I got expelled from school for telling the history teacher he walks like he’s got a dildo up his arse. I feel like you’d get away with that these days
I went on a cruise with my dad a couple years back, just me and him. A ton of old couples on the boat but I eventually found a 21 year old girl who agreed to come back to my room after we’d been at the pool. She was a bit wary about doing stuff since I said I was sharing the room with my dad, but eventually I convinced her to give me a BJ after kissing for ages. Anyway I came very hard and fast into her mouth about 5 seconds into the blowjob, and she just shot up with a look of disgust and said “dude, that was quick”. All I could do was say sorry.
Whenever I cuss the Kardashians or Real Housewives of wherever my girlfriend always starts defending them and saying the only reason people hate them is because they’re jealous of their lifestyles. I love my girlfriend but don’t know if I can see myself being with someone who thinks this way
I think I’d be a lot more successful in life if my cock was just two inches bigger
I took a poo in my nan’s cat’s litter box when I was 13 and my family was freaking out wondering how the cat took such a huge dump. They got her tested and it turns out my nan’s cat had cat HIV so looks like I did her a favour.
I went to Amsterdam earlier this year for my girlfriends birthday. I got a blowjob off a prostitute while my girlfriend sat and watched. Decent.
I live in constant fear of being fired
I banged a girl while on LSD and it was the weirdest experience ever. I kept having to stop and pull out because I thought my dick was getting permanently glued inside her vagina then when I finally came I thought my dick had blown off my body. I even checked my privates in a panic the next morning after finally getting some sleep.
Sometimes I wank to my girlfriend’s younger sister’s Facebook photos. Summer 2015 album was a great set of photos
My diet generally consists of kebabs, crisps and sweets and I cannot remember the last time I ate a salad. I drink one actimel a day which fools me into thinking I’m being healthy. I genuinely don’t expect to live past 50.
I made my ex sign a contract promising she’d never tell anyone the weird shit I used to ask her to do to me, as part of our break-up agreement. Credit to her she signed it. God I miss her
I always shut the Facebook and Twitter browsers on my phone before I watch porn because I’m scared somehow the two will link and everyone will see what I’ve been watching
I saw one my best friends’ girlfriends pulling someone who wasn’t him at a bar once. I was so drunk that first took a picture of them then walked up and poured my Red Stripe over both their heads. I ended up getting my head slammed into the bar by a bouncer and thrown out but it was kind of worth it because me and my mate are now tighter than ever
I’ve just started my 3rd year of uni and I fucking hate my course. I’ve only stayed at uni for so long because I’m convinced that this is the only place I can make friends or get laid.
One of my biggest memories from childhood is my aunt calling my mum to come pick me up because I farted on her newborn son while I was round theirs. I had a younger bro who I always farted on so didn’t realise it was a bad thing
Submit your anonymous confession(s) for next week HERE
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.