CONFESSIONS

Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #165

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

motolov

Booked myself a massage and took an edible before I went. By the time I arrived at the place I was high as fuck. The masseuse, a really lively Polish woman, introduced herself, “Hi! My name is Kat!”. To which I replied “Hi I’m Kat”. Never cringed so hard in my life. I’m sure she was taking the piss out of me to the other staff as I was getting ready afterwards.

king tarzan

I often lie about my plans after work to avoid going on the train with my co-workers

Mr deeds

My girlfriend looks like Gianna Michaels minus the huge boobs and willingness to give BJs

macrofife

I got expelled from school for telling the history teacher he walks like he’s got a dildo up his arse. I feel like you’d get away with that these days

Timeandtherani

I went on a cruise with my dad a couple years back, just me and him. A ton of old couples on the boat but I eventually found a 21 year old girl who agreed to come back to my room after we’d been at the pool. She was a bit wary about doing stuff since I said I was sharing the room with my dad, but eventually I convinced her to give me a BJ after kissing for ages. Anyway I came very hard and fast into her mouth about 5 seconds into the blowjob, and she just shot up with a look of disgust and said “dude, that was quick”. All I could do was say sorry.

2wipejohnny

Whenever I cuss the Kardashians or Real Housewives of wherever my girlfriend always starts defending them and saying the only reason people hate them is because they’re jealous of their lifestyles. I love my girlfriend but don’t know if I can see myself being with someone who thinks this way

Jdiddly

I think I’d be a lot more successful in life if my cock was just two inches bigger

fork_you

I took a poo in my nan’s cat’s litter box when I was 13 and my family was freaking out wondering how the cat took such a huge dump. They got her tested and it turns out my nan’s cat had cat HIV so looks like I did her a favour.

Lightningbolt

I went to Amsterdam earlier this year for my girlfriends birthday. I got a blowjob off a prostitute while my girlfriend sat and watched. Decent.

biscuitklub

I live in constant fear of being fired

malibu_man

I banged a girl while on LSD and it was the weirdest experience ever. I kept having to stop and pull out because I thought my dick was getting permanently glued inside her vagina then when I finally came I thought my dick had blown off my body. I even checked my privates in a panic the next morning after finally getting some sleep.

chinhair

Sometimes I wank to my girlfriend’s younger sister’s Facebook photos. Summer 2015 album was a great set of photos

Rip_d

My diet generally consists of kebabs, crisps and sweets and I cannot remember the last time I ate a salad. I drink one actimel a day which fools me into thinking I’m being healthy.  I genuinely don’t expect to live past 50.

comeatmefam

I made my ex sign a contract promising she’d never tell anyone the weird shit I used to ask her to do to me, as part of our break-up agreement. Credit to her she signed it. God I miss her

Red Faced

I always shut the Facebook and Twitter browsers on my phone before I watch porn because I’m scared somehow the two will link and everyone will see what I’ve been watching

hawkins87

I saw one my best friends’ girlfriends pulling someone who wasn’t him at a bar once. I was so drunk that first took a picture of them then walked up and poured my Red Stripe over both their heads. I ended up getting my head slammed into the bar by a bouncer and thrown out but it was kind of worth it because me and my mate are now tighter than ever

Should’veswitchedin1sttyear

I’ve just started my 3rd year of uni and I fucking hate my course. I’ve only stayed at uni for so long because I’m convinced that this is the only place I can make friends or get laid.

K Kat

One of my biggest memories from childhood is my aunt calling my mum to come pick me up because I farted on her newborn son while I was round theirs. I had a younger bro who I always farted on so didn’t realise it was a bad thing

Submit your anonymous confession(s) for next week HERE

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

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