The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I feel like my boyfriend of 5 years is friend zoning me, he high fived me the other day after I gave him a blowjob….. What the fuck it that!!
I get so confused when people refer to time periods like the 18th century or like the 20th century. Just say “1800s” or “1900s” for fucks sake
I’m in love with a girl in my office who I share the tube with going to and from work with every day. I think I have to make a move soon or forget her. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t take a shot, at this tiny Northern girl, with the cutest smile and what I believe are the most impossibly juicy double D’s in existence
I get genuinely upset whenever I go to take a shit and realise I’ve left my phone in the other room. Then I fall into a double depression when I realise how addicted to technology I am.
My GP refused to refer me to a therapist because the only reason I want to see one is to help me get over my fear of having anal sex. The truth is I feel like there’s something wrong with me though cos all my mates eat and have sex with their girlfriend’s buttholes. He said I should consult a hypnotist if it was that important to me
Whenever I’m about to leave my flat and see the neighbours leaving theirs at the same time I wait a few minutes because I can’t stand small talk
The green man
I often take dumps that are bigger than my dick
I’m about to turn 40 and still behave like a 23 year old with his first real taste of what it’s like to have my own money to spend. Trust me guys, your youth goes quick. Enjoy it
I refuse to have sex with 5s or less but 7s and above simply aren’t interested in me. A bit of a conundrum having to look for 6s all the time
My first week back as a teacher at a private primary school and I leave the room for a few seconds to let out a risky fart, and end up following through and shitting my pants. I was mortified the kids would be able to tell so I let them go to playtime early then went and dumped my boxers down the toilet. It was a pretty awful day all round.
I have erectile dysfunction
I’m not religious in the slightest but for some reason I always kiss my jesus icon before I start driving or before I go to bed because I think if I don’t something bad will happen. It’s like some kind of paranoid religious OCD
I met a boy at uni who is fit, sexy, funny… and conspicuously out of my league! We got intimate and that’s when I found out why — he has a colostomy bag because of a medical problem. Not the biggest of turn ons but he’d showered me with so much attention and was so sweet (and otherwise hot) that I still slept with him
When I was about 8, my granddad was stood outside the bathroom waiting for my sister to finish her shower because he badly needed to pee. He’s too gentle and polite to bang the door down so instead he stood there and pissed his pants while looking me right in the eye with the saddest look of shame and embarrassment I’ve ever seen. I really think that moment shaped my compassion for the elderly for years to come.
I told my mates I was too tired to go out tonight but in reality I’m going to order Chinese food, get baked and play FIFA all night
I’m an Uber driver in my spare time. One night I picked up a woman in her forties from the West End and ended up pulling and fingering her in the back seat before I dropped her home (I’m 25). True story.
Pulled a muscle in my back getting up from the toilet after taking a massive shit this week. I really need to start looking after myself.
I quite often search for the porn videos that Chyna of wrestling fame did.Don’t know why but seeing her being smashed in does it for me. If I see any normal picture of her though I have absolutely zero attraction.
Submit your confession(s) for next week HERE
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.