The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I found a porn star that looks like a colleague I’ve been fantasising about for months and am way too pleased about it
I truly think I’m slightly retarded or autistic and have just gone through 25 years of life without anyone realising it
I’ve been at uni for two weeks now and honestly all I want to do is go back home to my mummy
When I tip the collection boxes at takeaways and bossman isn’t looking I always make sure it makes a noise so he hears it
I got a haircut from a gay Portuguese man this week and I feel like he was being too sensual with the way he was massaging my hair like he was trying to turn me on or something. Not to marginalise sexual assault but I feel like it was a little bit
When I was at uni I hooked up with this girl who’s probably the hottest girl I’ve ever been with. I don’t know how my lines were working so well but I was at peak confidence. We have some drinks then on the way home we walk past her apparently ex boyfriend and his friends and she tries to make him jealous by kissing me in front of him. He just walked past and said “have fun mate” and winked at me. Get to hers, have drunk sex, nothing special. About three weeks later I got to the doctor because I’ve bumps on my dick. Herpes and chlamydia. I learnt my lesson, but fuck her and fuck him for not saying something
I took a puff of my cousin’s cigarette when I was 11 then called my mum crying because I was convinced I had cancer
I went to a Japanese restaurant with my family and was very disappointed to find the chefs were all white. I didn’t enjoy my meal as much because of this knowledge. Anyone else?
I don’t consider myself a sexist but I think the fact they make a point of having women host the football highlights is total fucking bullshit
I’m a 25 year old man who last year was dealing with the break up of a long term girlfriend by staying in bed watching Lost and eating Haagen Dasz ice cream. When I look back at what a little bitch I was it makes me feel sick!
I took a 30 minute uber to bang a 3/10 last week. Felt disgusted with myself afterwards and promised myself I had to higher my standards. Only thing is I’m 100% getting drunk tonight and I know I’ll end up texting her again. FML
My girlfriend had to give birth via cesarean section and I was so happy that her vagina wasn’t going to get destroyed. I had to pretend to sympathise with her though because she was proper sad about it.
I rode in an elevator with Michael McIntyre and didn’t say a word to him
I was at my little cousin’s football game watching with the rest of the adults from the sidelines. Our team won and we all went purposely OTT at the end with our celebrations like they’d just won a trophy. At one point I see this huge man in front of me who I know was cheering the same team so I do a run up and jump on his back to celebrate some more piggy-back style. He let out a cry of pain and crumpled to the floor while everyone freaked out at me — turns out he’d just come off major back surgery. He went back into hospital but was OK. My dad wrote him a cheque as an apology.
I’m 26 and live at home unemployed. I sold weed as a teen and through uni but I’m at the age now where it’s not cool anymore to be unemployed but still have drug money. Getting older is the worst.
The girl I’m seeing is on birth control and I frequently cum inside her especially when we’re drunk. I told my mate and he freaked out at how irresponsible I was being. I looked it up and birth control is apparently 99% effective. Is it just me or is that nothing to worry about? He’s got me feeling paranoid over nothing
I literally do no work at work. I have an ‘internet routine’ that keeps me both entertained and massively bored. I can only do my work when I’m days or hours from being found out. I need the fear, because I don’t give a fuck. I’m a management consultant in London. Clients pay thousands a day for us.
I haven’t left my flat for 3 days
today i used a banana peel to have a wank. if any of your readers have not yet tried this i would wholeheartedly recommend it, just be sure that it’s at least room temperature before you start for that genuine “living human contact” experience.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.