The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

dvzn

I told my teacher in 8th grade sex education that I had syphilis as a kid. They called my mum. Turns out I had psoriasis.

forrest trump

My girlfriend started to pile on the pounds so I made a bet with her to see who can run the most miles in a week. Whoever runs more miles gets dinner bought for them. Second week in a row now she’s taking me out to dinner… looks like she didn’t get the hint

WIllfy

I just wanked off to those photos of Kim Kardashian in spanx you posted

dorkinsmcab

This hot girl from work was banging the 45 year old guy from work. I got invited out to the theatre with her and this other couple from work so me being the idiot I am I assumed it was a double date and ended up paying for everything. Went to the bar after and guess who shows up? The 45 year old guy from work. Immediately slides in and puts his arm around her and she’s loving it. My caveman DNA starts firing off. The guy asks me how I’m doing with a big “I’m getting sex tonight and you’re not” smile on his face. I said “what are you even doing here you old prick? You’re like 50”. Long story short I end up getting punched in the face by a girl, put in an armlock by a bouncer and thrown out, then hugged a homeless man on the way back to my car, which I slept in before waking up shirtless and sweating at 6am. I learned a lot that day. 

pilman

I plagiarised an episode of Captain Planet for a year 4 writing assignment. Totally stole the plot and got a gold star

dendog

I wank off to my ex way too much… only hate wank though, she’s a bitch

ceramictenner

My mum used to take me to get pedicures and I would brag about it to my mates. God I was such a twat

everymorning

These confessions give me relief in that I’m not the only one with a wanking addiction

ymazin

Stacked it hard running up the escalators at King Cross the other day. Had to soldier the rest of the way up so I could get out of eye shot of any witnesses before showing any pain

Fruityboy

My girlfriend thinks we are going to go travelling together. But I’ve secretly planned to dump her a couple of months before so I can go on my own and pull backpackers all over the world.

—

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Fancy confessing your deepest darkest secrets and getting paid for the opportunity? Click here to apply.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week