Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #158

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:


I told my teacher in 8th grade sex education that I had syphilis as a kid. They called my mum. Turns out I had psoriasis.

forrest trump

My girlfriend started to pile on the pounds so I made a bet with her to see who can run the most miles in a week. Whoever runs more miles gets dinner bought for them. Second week in a row now she’s taking me out to dinner… looks like she didn’t get the hint


I just wanked off to those photos of Kim Kardashian in spanx you posted

darkie jr

Asked my girlfriend if I could wank off in her mouth. Her reply? “This isn’t a porn film”. FML.


I’ve never been much of a tequila girl. Last weekend I blacked out from tequila and turned into a raging sex crazed machine. Ended up snapping my entire friends list a picture of my boobs. Spent the last week trying to figure out the best way to kill myself. Any suggestions?


Sometimes I intentionally put typos in texts to seem more casual

[no name]

My biggest college/uni regret is not shagging all the girls I possibly could. Turned down a bunch of 4s and 5s I would happily boink now. 


Being hungry and lazy is the worst combination. I just sit there on my couch stoned and hungry for hours.


This hot girl from work was banging the 45 year old guy from work. I got invited out to the theatre with her and this other couple from work so me being the idiot I am I assumed it was a double date and ended up paying for everything. Went to the bar after and guess who shows up? The 45 year old guy from work. Immediately slides in and puts his arm around her and she’s loving it. My caveman DNA starts firing off. The guy asks me how I’m doing with a big “I’m getting sex tonight and you’re not” smile on his face. I said “what are you even doing here you old prick? You’re like 50”. Long story short I end up getting punched in the face by a girl, put in an armlock by a bouncer and thrown out, then hugged a homeless man on the way back to my car, which I slept in before waking up shirtless and sweating at 6am. I learned a lot that day. 

destructive enemy

I paid £150 for a handjob from the Chinese massage place after doing lines of coke all night. I need help.


I plagiarised an episode of Captain Planet for a year 4 writing assignment. Totally stole the plot and got a gold star


I wank off to my ex way too much… only hate wank though, she’s a bitch


My mum used to take me to get pedicures and I would brag about it to my mates. God I was such a twat


I once scored in the wrong hoop during a basketball game. Me and this kid were talking shit to each other and I was so fired up I jumped up for a rebound over everyone and put it right back in my own net. My brain just switched off for a split second. Never lived it down.


These confessions give me relief in that I’m not the only one with a wanking addiction


Stacked it hard running up the escalators at King Cross the other day. Had to soldier the rest of the way up so I could get out of eye shot of any witnesses before showing any pain


My girlfriend thinks we are going to go travelling together. But I’ve secretly planned to dump her a couple of months before so I can go on my own and pull backpackers all over the world.

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Fancy confessing your deepest darkest secrets and getting paid for the opportunity? Click here to apply.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week


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