The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I tamper with other peoples work who I work with just so they get in the shit aswell as me because I’m so crap at my job
One time my ex girlfriend started to rub my nipples when were having sex. My initial reaction was “what the fuck are you doing” but eventually I got into it. 3 years later and now I can’t cum at all unless my nipples are being furiously twiddled.
I have a personal trainer at the gym and every time I do squats I think about myself squatting on his dick, and wished he think the same even though he’s getting married next year. I go to Manchester lifestyle gym – hope your reading this Ben.
My wife does not know I smoke weed, usually have a blast on my pipe in the evenings when she is out of the way in the shower. Tonight she asked if I would cut her hair and needless to say I did not do a good job and managed to take off far more than she wanted. Oops.
I genuinely think I’m going to end up alone because I hate girls that upload endless selfies on Instagram, but there’s not one girl on Tinder who doesn’t do that.
I’m sick to death of seeing that stupid momo picture at the bottom of every sick chirpse page.
A female co-worker heard me say “what a cunt” when speaking to another co-worker about something that had nothing to do with her or work. My boss called me into his office the next morning and gave me a warning and said next time it happened he’d have to reconsider my position in the company. All I have to say looking back is what a cunt!!
My dog killed a hedgehog down the park the other day and it was honestly the most traumatising moment of my life. Nature is disgusting.
Last week at a party some stuck up bitch was showing off about her new designer shoes. Anyway as the party carried on, I noticed she had left them in the hall so I took one to the bathroom and dunked it down the toilet. Mean but if you’d have met this bitch you would get it.
Ten minutes into a 3 hour train journey and I’ve absolutely wrecked the freshly cleaned toilet, beer and curry poop. Sorry fellow passengers!
Decided I hated my job on a comedown last weekend and quit on Monday, having a great time being unemployed.
I was listening to the radio whilst driving around in my van at work and they were chatting about end of life care and the process of dying. After half listening for a few minutes I became overwhelmed by the thought that some day my life is just going to stop and that will be it. Or even worse i’m going watch everyone i love die. Its not like were going into some other room, we just fucking end. It properly hit me so I had to pull over into an industrial estate and just sit there for a bit. A few minutes later I pulled myself together, got myself a BLT and a coffee and felt fine again.
I make my girlfriend order my drinks at Starbucks because I’m too embarrassed to say the weird sounding coffee names out loud
I wake up at least twice every night needing to take a piss and I’m too lazy to go to the doctor about it even after reading that it’s pretty much the number one symptom of diabetes
I’m the only Leaver at work but I pretend I’m Remain because otherwise I’d have no friends.
I was about to go on my daily run when I saw this hot Catholic girl come out of the church on my road. I crossed myself before starting my run because I thought it would make her attracted to me. I’m a Jew FFS.
My boyfriend likes being the little spoon
A few of us in the navy went to pre drinks at a girls house who my mate met on tinder. Ending up stealing her mums dildo, thong and ornamental elephant. We named it Dillon and it now leaves in his locker in our base.
Sometimes I gently massage my girlfriend’s butthole while she sleeps.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.