The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I had a wank in the shower the other day right before my wife tried to surprise me with a BJ. She tried for about 5 minutes to try get me hard and couldn’t, she looked like a bird trying to pull a worm out of the ground. I tried but just couldn’t get hard and eventually had to tell her the true reason. Let’s just say she’s wasn’t impressed
Ages ago I spent the night with a random hookup at uni. The next day she text me from the gym saying she had to get off the bike because “she was too sore from last night”. To this day it’s the nicest thing a girl has ever said to me
Haemorrhoids are ruining my life
Every time I go in the steam room at the gym I have a piss so that the piss turns to steam and anyone who comes in after me is breathing my piss
I rarely watch the same porn movie twice. One I am fixated on, however, is a very ugly goth girl getting it up the arse. The reason I love that movie is that I love the idea that a 2 or 3/10 would approach me and offer to take it up the arse in order that I’d take her home. The sad truth is that I am now probably a 2 or 3 myself so having sex with that ugly girl remains a pipe dream. Sad.
I spent my 22nd Birthday this year smoking weed in my flat alone. Even went in and cooked myself a nice dinner. Actually had a great day.
Whenever I have sex with a girl I cum really quickly and then pretend I can’t get fully hard. Then I get up and discreetly throw away the condom, put on my boxers, start kissing the girl again and get another condom later and bang her. 10/10 success rate in covering up my premature ejaculation. I’m still shit at sex though
I never realised how ugly I was until I got Tinder, Bumble and Happn and can’t get a match to save my life.
On holiday in Thailand and my mate decides to ring his mum and tell her that were in hospital with broken bones and then we went to sleep. Woke up to a call from the foreign office asking if I was alive and my family hadn’t slept all night and were ringing hospitals to see if we were there. Completely not my fault but still feel like a cunt
I’m a teacher and the other day held in a fart until I was next to the kid in class that gives me the most attitude. Blasted him with a silent stunner then watched him get up and disrupt the class by opening the window and accusing his classmates of farting. Fair enough but I still yelled at him.
I would fuck my cousin if she made a move on me.
I once kicked the shit out of a girl when I was 14. I actually quite liked her but she kept bullying me in that way hot girls do about my acne, and so one day I snapped and threw a basketball with some force into her face. As she was stunned I took a run up and fly-kicked her hard in the chest. She went flying into this gym frame and everyone gasped in horror. Needless to say I was expelled, sent to counselling, the lot. I do regret it but at the same time I’m not mad at my 14 year old self for doing it.
I swipe left on girls who have “feminist” in their Tinder bio
I chatted up a 4/10 the other night because she was eating pizza in the street. Managed to get a slice.
The Kid, Frankie
A girl from my secondary school put a holiday photo up on Facebook and she’s got unbelievably hot, naturally I decided to beat off to it and as I cummed I, for some weird reason, said “that, is the business”.
I get nervous around black people
Went for a happy ending massage and got a trainee girl who didn’t have a clue how to give a proper massage. With 5 minutes to go the madam came in to teach her how to “finish” the massage properly. So for those last 5 mins I had 4 hands down there playing with my cock. Really made up for those previous 55 minutes
For years I never shampooed my arse hair because I thought shampoo promoted the growth of arse hair. No idea where I got that from but I was sure it was true
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.