The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
Me and my mate missed our connecting flight because he wanted to do tequila shots at the airport bar. I really need to start taking charge more
I was recently coked up and drunk and wrote a very long and I’m sure was embarrassing email to my ex girlfriend. I then got paranoid and deleted the email like an idiot. For weeks I’ve been getting anxiety over what I might have sent her to the point I don’t even think I want to know.
Have you ever been wanking and then get a text from like your mum and lose your boner?
My record at work is 6 shits in one day, and I wasn’t even ill or hungover
I went on the most fucked up Tinder date ever recently. The girl showed up limping on a crutch and said she’d tripped down that morning. Bit awkward but OK, whatever. We didn’t really hit it off on our date and when it came time to go our separate ways we kiss on the cheek and she says “see you never”. She then put her crutch aside and just started walking off normally, no limp or anything. I stood there for 20 seconds wondering WTF just happened. Think I was on one of those YouTube ‘social experiments’, it’s the only explanation.
I’m 22 and still not sure I know how to tie my shoelaces up properly. They always seem to come undone
When I was about 12 my uncle, who is an absolute twat, decided to have a spar with me- I was learning to box at the time. Anyways, he thought it would be funny to completely flatten me with a haymaker to the body that totally wiped my young self out. Anyways, not wanting to let him get away with it, the next day I snuck a kitchen knife out of the house and proceeded to slash every tyre on his car that he was trying to sell. To this day he thinks the person responsible was, in his own words, ‘some chav’ who came to look at the car and got aggressive when my uncle would not sell him it £500 cheaper.
Sometimes when I’m smoking a zut in the garden at night I can see the silhouette of my neighbour (hot Indian girl) having a shower through the window. It’s very erotic.
I masturbate way too much to girls I’m friends with on Facebook
This Romanian prostitute I’ve been visiting told me I’m her “favourite white guy” so that’s something I’ve got going for me
I like how so many people complain on this about never getting laid after they get married. My fiancé and I hardly ever have sex anymore but I don’t give a fuck cos she’s awesome. Also I get home before her so get to sneak in a quick wank daily
When i roll a hash zoot in bed I usually pick the crumbs up off the sheet and chuck back into the zoot, for a while I’ve wondered if its hash I’m picking up or flakes of shit
Last month my friend met a girl in LA at a pool party, and banged her the same night. She’s from there and has a 7-year-old daughter. Fast forward to today – the girl is MOVING to London with her daughter to move in with my friend in his 1 bedroom flat. She doesn’t have a job so he will be supporting himself, a girl he met in LA 1 month ago and her 7-year-old daughter. When I asked where they’re going to sleep he said they can take his bed and he’ll sleep on the couch. I’ve told him how much of a fucking mug he is but maybe if you guys post it on your site he’ll start to see sense. P.S. She’s butters
I’m in south east Asia travelling and 2 days ago I smoked crystal meth. It’s shit but I kinda want more.
I wish my boyfriend was fitter
I’v had athletes foot for about 5 years and done nothing about it because the feeling of scratching it is orgasmic…
I had big time diarrhoea that sounded funny when I was in the toilet the other day. As I was stuck on the shitter for a while I thought it would be great if I recorded my diarrhoea fart sounds on my phone. I put the phone slightly behind my arse and let rip, and ended up shitting all over my phone. Couldn’t stop laughing.
I’m going to wank and drink alone all weekend instead of trying to be social and meet people. And I’m super excited about it
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.