The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
This older lady (about 50) at my gym chatted me up the other day. She has massive tits. She asked for my Facebook and I gave it to her. Have to admit I’ve wanked off to her already. Not sure what my next move is…
My boyfriend cums in complete silence and then says ‘thanks babe’ before jumping onto his Xbox, leaving me to wank myself off in bed because he always finishes first and can’t go again until he’s ‘had a meal’. This isn’t healthy is it?
Arranged for my dealer to drop off some coke to my cousin for the first time (they never met) and on the way to meet him he got into a car crash and totalled his car. He called me up and went nuts at me like it was my fault and said I would have to pay up. I politely declined and eventually had to hang up on him because he wouldn’t stop shouting. He’s a big scary Turkish dude but he wouldn’t actually kill me over this….would he?
I do not make other people’s cups of tea to the same standard I make my own.
There’s this fit new girl working in our office which is great except my boss sat her right near the toilets. This has completely fucked up my half hour long office shits schedule. I now shit in Burger King down the street.
Left a family bbq last weekend to sit upstairs and sniff k on my own
I went to the dentist last week got a bunch freezing done to fix some cavities. Right afterwards I had an appointment with HR they were letting me go. I tried pleading for my job but I just ended up sounding ridiculous, needless to say I took the severance and I am relaxing in the sun.
Is It Just Me
Whenever I start watching a porn from the beginning, I never seem to make it to the part where they actually start having sex.
I can never plug in a USB stick on the first try
Okay so I was born male and transitioned to female in my 20s so I evidently have to have ‘the talk’ with people that I date before any physical contact so I can avoid getting hate-crimed – but one time, I told a guy I met in a club that I just loved anal – so fucked me in the communal hallway of his apartment building. He still messages. He still doesn’t know.
My girlfriend nibbles on bourbons right next to me in stages until it’s basically just the icing. I can’t help but think she’s a dirty cow.
When I was 15 some chav muttered ‘pussy’ole’ as he walked past me and I was too much of a pussy to respond. Still hurts 12 years later.
The video of the five foot tall man losing his shit really resonated with me. I’m five four and Tinder dates would look surprised and disappointed when we met up. I started listing my height on Tinder and haven’t had a match since. SO I don’t think I would ever go crazy like him but I see where he’s coming from.
Got into an argument with the girlfriend the other day. Instead of carrying on the fight, I backed her into a corner and unleashed a 10 second long diarrhea fart right in her face. She was absolutely stunned.
Some tramp begged me for 50p outside Rayners Lane tube station today. Said no.
I took a girl back to my room at uni a few months ago and despite her saying she’d only smoked weed once before I rolled a fat zoot of super skunk and we smoked it together. Well she went quiet and before I knew it she had turned green and tells me she feels like she’s going to have a heart attack. I tried to reassure her she was only pulling a whitey but her heart was pounding and she was asking me to call an ambulance. In the end I calmed her down by spoonfeeding her sugar and giving her water while she sat on the toilet. Then we fell asleep without having sex and I woke up in time to see her leaving my room in the morning. Note to self – have sex first next time.
We have a large IT department where I work ran by Indians (fresh from India). The other day I went into the break room and they were all in there trying on each other’s shoes and giggling like children. Wish I was that easily amused
I’ve given out my number on the receipt to waitresses/bar girls literally about 200 times in my life. As you might expect, I haven’t been very successful. Last weekend one finally messaged me and I’m meeting her for drinks on Friday. Call me pathetic if you want, but 1/200 is better than 0/0. Have a good week everyone.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.