The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I’m nervous about going on holiday this summer because every time my feet touch sand I automatically get a boner. I don’t know why and I can’t get it to stop.
I haven’t had sex in 6 years because of crippling performance anxiety and I’m pretty confident I’ll never have sex again. I’m 27
Once I was drunk and having a wank session and the girl in the porn started measuring the guy’s dick. I decided to run downstairs into the garage and get some measuring tape so I could see how I compare.
I walk back into my room to see my dad standing there, looking quizzically at me while I’ve got a semi and measuring tape in my hand. He found it pretty funny to be fair
I smoke tons of weed and I’m pretty sure I’m getting dumber and dumber every day. I’m OK with it
Despite having lived with my girlfriend for 3 years, I don’t know which slot the fabric softener and the detergent go in the washing machine. I’m too embarrassed to ask her about it.
An Instagram model I follow who I don’t know in real life recently starting posting pictures with her new boyfriend, it’s genuinely fucked me up
Got beaten up and arrested by 3 coppers for mistaken identity. Managed to hid my weed like a third testicle though. At least I had a smoke when they let me go
2:30am one night I was texting this girl and convinced her to let me come round even though she made clear she was “really really tired”. I told her I was right by her accommodation even though I was miles away on another campus. I was so desperate that I ran while piss drunk at 2:30am for 35 minutes to get to hers (this was before Uber). The whole time I was dreading the “I changed my mind” text so I had to get there quick. Anyway got there in the end probably doing about a mile every 10 minutes. Didn’t get laid.
I write with poorer handwriting than I actually have because a teacher called my handwriting “girly” 10 years ago
Your Iran article is possibly the worst piece of journalism I have ever seen. As a regular reader I beg you not to even bother reporting on such a matter if you are going to do zero research on the topic
The girl I lost my virginity to in college is now a full on lesbian. I’m talking spiky hair, tattoos everywhere, dating this butch other lesbian. Hadn’t seen her for years and she sent me a friend request on FB and it’s like I’m looking at a totally different person. Sad to think I was so shit that she decided to give up on men altogether (I haven’t got much better since)
Had to decide between paying my car insurance and having enough coke for a friend’s birthday this month. Now I’ve just got to hope no one crashes into me
The other day I sat on a wet towel on my bed for 43 minutes staring at the wall. I think I might be autistic or something.
My boss sits across from me in the office so can’t see my screen. Every now and then in the middle of reading SickChirpse and Reddit threads I type emails to myself to make it look like I’m working
I wank off to my ex way too much… only hate wank though, she’s a bitch
A girl messaged me on Depop saying she never received her item, well I tracked her down on Facebook and found her wearing it on her profile pic. Took a screenshot and messaged her, doubt I will hear back. Cheeky bitch.
Me and my best mate are in our 20s now, but when we were 16 we had a fight in the physics lab where I put him in a full nelson and bounced his head off the wall and the desk, then punched him in the side of the face before everyone broke it up. He was crying and everything. Hope he knows I won’t hesitate to do it again if he crosses me.
I once scored in the wrong hoop during a basketball game. Me and this kid were talking shit to each other and I was so fired up I jumped up for a rebound over everyone and put it right back in my own net. My brain just switched off for a split second. Never lived it down
Tonight I’m going to go out, get drunk, get blanked by girls way out of my league then go home alone like every weekend. Chin up eh
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.