The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I work in a primary school as a TA to an autistic boy and today in class I accidentally let out a silent but deadly fart while working with him. It absolutely fucking stank and the rest of the children in the class though it was him and I was too embarrassed to admit it was me. They laughed at him and he ended up crying. I feel really bad obviously but no one has any idea it was actually me, including him.
My 14 year old brother is cooler than I am
Was checking my balls for cancer and it turned into a wank
First year at uni and my housemate is straight from India. I’m not racist in the slightest and always keep an open mind but he just fits every stereotype you can think of. I have to spray Lynx around the house every time he leaves because it gets that bad. The other day he was drinking chocolate syrup straight out of the bottle as he watched cartoons. He also has no interest in girls and completely blanks every female I’ve brought round. He says he’s straight but doesn’t have the time for the girlfriend with all his studies. Oh well at least he cooks a mean jalfezi.
I’m the guy who lets off really stinky farts in clubs
I haven’t masturbated in 3 days now and I’m beginning to worry about myself. Extremely out of character.
When I was around 14 one of the hot girls at school left her gym bag open and her bra was right on top of everything. I stuffed it into my bag and took it home where I proceeded to wrap it around my dick and wank to completion. Good times.
When I was a kid I used to pick my nose and stick the bogeys under my bed — I called it my bogey farm. Today my bogey farm is under the driver’s seat in my car
I spent last weekend hanging out with the girl I fancy at her flat while she facetimed the guy she’s “in love with”. Well, safe to say I’m in the friendzone fellas.
I always have a finger bang after sex with my boyfriend because he doesn’t make me Cum. I get off thinking about all the guys I’ve slept with before we met.
I kicked the shit out of my neighbour’s Mercedes and stole the little Mercedes symbol thing off the bonnet for no reason
I really miss having sex with 18 year olds. Don’t waste your youth kids.
When I started my new job a few weeks back I had to watch a YouTube tutorial on how to tie my tie. I’m 24.
I once went out with a girl who’s dad was her gynaecologist. She didn’t think it was weird at all.
Some kids on my street were kicking over bins and generally being nuisances, so I called the police who came down and got them to clear off. If that makes me a snitch, I don’t give a fuck
My lack of Tinder matches has seriously crushed my confidence. Guess I’m not as good looking as I thought.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.