The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I work in a primary school as a TA to an autistic boy and today in class I accidentally let out a silent but deadly fart while working with him. It absolutely fucking stank and the rest of the children in the class though it was him and I was too embarrassed to admit it was me. They laughed at him and he ended up crying. I feel really bad obviously but no one has any idea it was actually me, including him.
I’ve been watching a lot of BBW porn lately as I try to decide whether I’m attracted to the size 16 girl at work. She’s got a cute face and massive tits but it’s the gunt that worries me. I’ll keep you posted
My 14 year old brother is cooler than I am
Was checking my balls for cancer and it turned into a wank
First year at uni and my housemate is straight from India. I’m not racist in the slightest and always keep an open mind but he just fits every stereotype you can think of. I have to spray Lynx around the house every time he leaves because it gets that bad. The other day he was drinking chocolate syrup straight out of the bottle as he watched cartoons. He also has no interest in girls and completely blanks every female I’ve brought round. He says he’s straight but doesn’t have the time for the girlfriend with all his studies. Oh well at least he cooks a mean jalfezi.
A few years ago I was drunk on my laptop, came across a hateful anti-male Facebook page and did what any drunk 20 year old would do — wrote the admin a drunk message . Anyway, admin ended up sharing my drunk message with all her followers, who proceed to get in touch with my university and employer with messages about me harassing them (I may have called them cock-starved feminist slags in one section of the message). Anyway long story short, I lost my job and had to delete my Facebook and all social media profiles because I was still getting abuse 3 weeks later from pissed off feminazis. Lesson learned.
I’m the guy who lets off really stinky farts in clubs
I haven’t masturbated in 3 days now and I’m beginning to worry about myself. Extremely out of character.
When I was around 14 one of the hot girls at school left her gym bag open and her bra was right on top of everything. I stuffed it into my bag and took it home where I proceeded to wrap it around my dick and wank to completion. Good times.
My iphone is bigger than my erect dick
When I was a kid I used to pick my nose and stick the bogeys under my bed — I called it my bogey farm. Today my bogey farm is under the driver’s seat in my car
I spent last weekend hanging out with the girl I fancy at her flat while she facetimed the guy she’s “in love with”. Well, safe to say I’m in the friendzone fellas.
I always have a finger bang after sex with my boyfriend because he doesn’t make me Cum. I get off thinking about all the guys I’ve slept with before we met.
Wam bam windows
I was working for a well known, double glazing company a few years back as a canvasser (going out in teams knocking on doors offering quotes etc). Once I knocked on the door of a this blonde chavy trashy solid 8/10 with bolt on tits. She invited me in, showed me some porn with her in it and then we banged. Crazy thing is, after we were done she clearly wasn’t satisfied (don’t blame her tbh) and asked me to get the whole squad down, so I did… all 10 of em. We waited on the stair-case as we took turns in a civilised manner. The funniest part was catching the last guy at the end who was the only one who got fully butt naked undressed!
I kicked the shit out of my neighbour’s Mercedes and stole the little Mercedes symbol thing off the bonnet for no reason
My girlfriend put the tip of her finger in my bum during a blowjob the other day… Told her to go deeper and felt extremely gay for saying it. But then she pushed half her finger in there and I came like a fucking fountain. Highly recommended
I really miss having sex with 18 year olds. Don’t waste your youth kids.
When I started my new job a few weeks back I had to watch a YouTube tutorial on how to tie my tie. I’m 24.
In a drunk, horny state on my walk home after an unsuccessful night out in East London, I paid £20 to have sex in a bush with a homeless woman I caught smoking heroin or crack in a doorway. I obviously used a condom because I’m responsible like that.
I once went out with a girl who’s dad was her gynaecologist. She didn’t think it was weird at all.
Some kids on my street were kicking over bins and generally being nuisances, so I called the police who came down and got them to clear off. If that makes me a snitch, I don’t give a fuck
My lack of Tinder matches has seriously crushed my confidence. Guess I’m not as good looking as I thought.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.