The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
The other night my girlfriend got home from drinking wine with her girlfriend and I fucked her like a savage through a hole I ripped in her tights the came on her belly button/shirt. The best part is she wants to make this a regular thing
Whenever I pick up McDonald’s on Friday I get an extra cheeseburger and box of chicken nuggets for myself which I eat on the drive home. Then before I get home I dump the evidence in the bin outside so my girlfriend doesn’t moan about me eating more than I need (yes I’m fat)
When I was around 8 I killed a duck with a fishing rod while fishing with my uncle.
I turned down a threesome with two girls I work with because I didn’t think my wimpy penis could handle it
I try to make up at least an hour a day at work shitting.
Making love to air
When my girlfriend tells me to go deeper, it feels like I’m fucking a large hoop earring. I feel nothing.
Woke up in my own bed after a heavy night to find a hot, but fully-clothed girl curled up sleeping next to me. I had no idea who she was. I got up and went to take a major piss and when I came back she was gone. I never even saw her again. When I asked my friends later they all said they couldn’t remember me meeting/talking to a girl that night. Weird.
Whenever I have a big decision to make I make sure I have a big wank first.
Elton John when he was married
To all you homies worrying that wanting to fuck a tranny makes you gay, or that ‘pushing back’ when getting bummed makes you gay – stop being a bunch of twats. Being gay makes you gay – you could be fucked in the mouth by Graham Norton and that is still not conclusive evidence that you’re gay. You’re gay if you’re gay, you’re not if you’re not, get over yourselves. Also, there’s nothing wrong with being gay, or bi, or liking transsexuals so why be so scared of the label?
My long term fuck buddy has stopped having sex with me unless we start going out, but she still came round the other night to sleep over. She resisted all my attempts at sex but in the morning I climbed on top of her and rubbed my boner onto her bum until I jizzed
I fucked a 45 year old whale off Tinder the other week to break my dry spell. I’m 23.
When I was a fair few years younger me and my little brother were play fighting and he accidently gave me a nose bleed which was fair enough I wasn’t guna beat him up for it but instead I pinned him down and let the blood drip onto his face and in his mouth.
Took a week off work to do chores around the house: painting the garden fences, rebuilding a concrete bbq, rearranging wardrobes etc. Did about 10% of what I set out to do due to playing Fifa, Red Dead and watching porn. Highlight of my week was winning the FA cup with Wolves.
I took the virginity of the Chinese international student that lives next door to me at uni. She barely speaks English and didn’t seem to particularly enjoy herself. She definitely didn’t cum anyway, not that I gave her much reason to
Sir Piss a lot
I work from home and for months one of my neighbours has been renovating their property. Obviously it entails a certain amount of noise but I’m a reasonable guy and put up with it. That was until it dragged on for six months and the main builder turned out to have a penchant for cocaine and listening to drum and bass as loudly as possible throughout the entire day. The dickhead also constantly blocked in other residents with his shit parking. After making multiple requests for him to be more considerate of the residents I eventually had enough and started pissing in the same glass every day and throwing it out of my window and onto his car. I did this for about a month, he never seemed to notice.
Growing up I wanted to be a football player or some kind of athlete as I was very good at sports in school. Instead I dropped out of university and became a Parcel Force delivery driver. Didn’t exactly shoot for the stars did I?
Opened the G-A-Y club photos of Katie Price you lot posted last week, pulled my cock out and within 30 seconds had wanked myself to completion. I really need to sort myself out
My office has a revolving door at the entrance and every time I pass through it I try to time a nasty coffee fart in the part I walk through. It’s usually busy so I know the next person coming through those doors has a 1 in 5 chance of being trapped with the smell of my arse. It’s the little things that get you through the day.
I was eating my girlfriend’s asshole when I felt something like a little seed enter my mouth. I just ate it and kept on going
It’s Friday night, I’m 23, and I don’t know whether I should go out and try have sex tonight or stay in and get stoned. But I know as soon as I take one toke of this juicy spliff the decision will be made for me
One night my boyfriend asked me if he could fall asleep with his penis in my mouth and I let him.
I missed my girlfriend’s mum’s birthday party because I ate a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts by myself for breakfast and gave myself an upset tummy
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.