The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I was at my little cousin’s football game watching with the rest of the adults from the sidelines. Our team won and we all went purposely OTT at the end with our celebrations like they’d just won a trophy. At one point I see this huge man in front of me who I know was cheering the same team so I do a run up and jump on his back to celebrate some more piggy-back style. He let out a cry of pain and crumped to the floor while everyone freaked out at me — turns out he’d just come off major back surgery. He went back into hospital but was OK. My dad wrote him a cheque as an apology.
Told this girl on Tinder I was 6’0 & I’m supposed to meet her tomorrow. I’m 5’9.
Back when GTA San Andreas came out I convinced my mum to buy it for me by telling her the object of the game was to drive around helping your community and stopping others committing crimes
I rode in an elevator with Michael McIntyre and didn’t say a word to him.
I saw my boyfriend of 1 year’s flaccid dick for the first time and I was shocked. It literally goes from 1 inch to 6! Is that normal?
One of my biggest memories from childhood is my aunt calling my mum to come pick me up because I farted on her newborn son while I was round theirs. I had a younger bro who I always farted on so didn’t realise it was a bad thing.
At 28 years old I’ve come to the conclusion that bigger girls are better in bed and never give bad head
I saw one my best friends’ girlfriends pulling someone who wasn’t him at a bar once. I was so drunk that first took a picture of them then walked up and poured my Red Stripe over both their heads. I ended up getting my head slammed into the bar by a bouncer and thrown out but it was kind of worth it because me and my mate are now tighter than ever
I often lie about my plans after work to avoid going on the train with my co-workers
Sometimes I wank to my girlfriend’s younger sister’s Facebook photos. Summer 2015 album was a great set of photos
I used to take Championship Manager very seriously thinking that spies were watching and would notice how well I was doing and hire me to be a real manager for their club.
My girlfriend looks like Gianna Michaels minus the huge boobs and willingness to give BJs
I literally do no work at work. I have an ‘internet routine’ that keeps me both entertained and massively bored. I can only do my work when I’m days or hours from being found out. I need the fear, because I don’t give a fuck. I’m a management consultant in London. Clients pay thousands a day for us.
I haven’t left my flat for 3 days
I’m marrying the girl that me and my mate double teamed 10 years ago. Really wish that never happened
I think I’d be a lot more successful in life if my cock was just two inches bigger
In the time it just took me to get through to Barclays on the phone, I just had; a wank, a cigarette, got myself a glass of orange squash and even had time to write this fucking confession. Absolutely ridiculous customer service.
I am genuinely embarrassed about how much I love mayonnaise.
I used to be morbidly obese, now I’m just obese and everyone congratulates me for it. I feel like a fraud, I’ve still got tits.
After seeing your weekly reminder in the Tinder section that most of us would bang a tranny I decided to give it a go and hooked up with a trans-escort from BirchPlace. Honestly? It was just like having anal sex with a really fit, really horny Asian bird, who also gave way better head than most girls I’ve come across… The only reason not to try it is if you’re scared of compromising your sexuality, but I’ve heard it only makes you gay if you let them bum you. And even then it’s only gay if you push back, or enjoy, or something along those lines.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.