The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I’d fuck my aunt if she offered it.
In school when we used to take turns in class reading from the textbook I would literally count the kids in front of me and figure out what section I was reading so I could practice it before it got to my turn. I think that’s where my anxiety started.
The other night my girlfriend got home from drinking wine with her girlfriend and I fucked her like a savage through a hole I ripped in her tights then came on her belly button/shirt. The best part is she wants to make this a regular thing
I still pick my nose all the time and have no idea if this is weird behaviour for a 25 year old or not
My boss has cancer, he’s a 60 year Italian man and has just a few months left to live according to his doctor. We work at a food stall in central London and this week he proposed we get stoned before we start work and just serve people slices of pizza while baked all day. Love that guy, fuck cancer.
I was eating my girlfriend’s asshole when I felt something like a little seed enter my mouth. I just ate it and kept on going
I’m meant to be completing a spreadsheet for a senior management meeting yet I’m watching the Dirt while having a Gram… its Friday 4pm… it’s nearly 5 right 🙂
I kept an ex-boyfriend’s jumper for 2 years and would put it on and finger myself to his scent
When I was younger I got a gift of one of the lightsabers from Star Wars. It’s telescopic and extends to full length. So I decided, whilst I was seriously horny to take the smallest part out, lube it up and proceed to jam it up my ass. Managed to find the sweet spot and while jacking it came absolute buckets. Felt slightly guilty after it. But when I think about it now my dick is diamond hard. May the force be with you.
I cheat on prostitutes with other prostitutes
I’m so embarrassed about people hearing me pooing at work that every time I poo I wrap my hand in toilet roll, catch the poo and gently drop it into the water to avoid any loud splashy sounds
The most amazing pussy I’ve ever seen and touched belonged to the ugliest girl I’ve ever been with. Maybe because it doesn’t get used much?
I often take dumps that are bigger than my dick
I’m a girl and work for a well known high-end brand. One day i was feeling particuarly hungover but managed a £5000 sale, however on the way to the till with my client I started to feel especially ill. I managed to put the bag to one side and excuse myself to said client, whereby i ran into the toilet where the urge to shit myself and vomit at the same time was so strong that i had to poo whilst vomiting into the sanitary bin. I then promptly returned with a packet of paper for the printer as if we had ran out, apologised for the delay and whacked that five grand through the till. Commisson never felt so good!
My girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me for no reason after we’d been together all through university. I don’t regret being with her but feel bitter about all the girls I could’ve smashed in those 3 years
My brain sometimes goes into autopilot and I type youjizz into the browser instead of youtube. This happens far too often.
My girlfriend is quitting her job, meaning for the first time she’ll be home on weeknights and Saturday nights. This is going to have a drastic effect on my nightly schedule of smoking up and and playing PS4
I went for a happy ending massage and was so drunk I couldn’t come after 50 mins non-stop wanking. In the end the woman told me her hand hurt and I should leave. On the way out all the other masseuses were giggling and I guess she must have told them all that I couldn’t cum. Most weirdly humiliating moment I’ve had in a long time
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE or below this post (scroll all the way down) – see you next week.