The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I worked as an Uber driver in Madrid and in my first week went to a pick up and got my keys taken and the shit kicked out of me by 3 or 4 people. In hospital (nothing too bad) the police told me that they were taxi drivers who order Ubers so they can beat up Uber drivers. So yeah don’t become an Uber driver in Madrid.
Went to the toilets at work for my daily wank session at lunch time. For some reason the wifi wasn’t working on my phone so I had to make do with my imagination. I bust one out in 2 minutes thinking about bending my colleague (a 6 at best) over her desk and fucking her. Was a real rush crunching numbers with her all professional like literally 5 minutes later.
I used to spend a lot of time watching “How to Crip Walk” videos on YouTube to try and teach myself how to do it
I always make a right mess of trimming my pubes and end up just shaving the whole thing off and letting it all grow from scratch
Agreed to move in with my crush because I thought we might get together or at least become flatmates with benefits. Fast forward a few weeks I am completely friend zoned and madly in love with her while she has a new boyfriend who I have to hear bang her at all hours of the night. FML.
I’ve masturbated in every country I’ve ever visited, even if it’s just a stop over flight I’ll wank in the airport bathroom.
I really think I could’ve been playing in the Premier League right now if I’d applied myself instead of getting addicted to skunk
Having a wank in bed the other night and grabbed some shower gel off my bedside table. Got it everywhere and then fell asleep straight after. Woke up and my ball sack is like old paper, must have reacted badly with the stuff…
I was stalking a friend’s mum on Facebook and accidentally hit add friend. I quickly retracted the friend request but am shitting it over whether it still notifies her. Best case scenario she clocks on that I was stalking her and makes a move on me and worst case she tells my friend and it makes for one awkward conversation
I invited my bootycall round so I could pretend to fall asleep and cuddle instead
Scrolling through the latest Tinder Best / Worst pickings I noticed one of the profiles shown is fraudulently using a photo of one of my go-to porn stars as their own and I felt compelled to tell you through confessions. Seeing this sentence written fills me with shame. C’est la vie.
Having a small penis is a curse.
I’ve been single for nearly 2 years after the end of a long term relationship. In that time I’ve done diddly SHIT with anyone or anything. Last week I bought a fleshlight after many months of wondering whether it was either perfectly normal or disgustingly perverted. Naturally I legitimised the purchase (dildos are fine, right? Fuck double standards), and after an anxious few days paranoid that it would arrive in a huge neon box emblazoned with the Flashlight branding, I can assure readers it arrived in the most anonymous looking, brown cardboard box imaginable. Also it’s pretty fucking incredible. Don’t get me wrong, if you can get some, fucking get some, but if anxiety and low self esteem is an issue, these things are fucking magic. Beats Madame Palm and her five lovely daughters – hands down, pun definitely fucking intended.
I’m attracted to literally all of my girlfriend’s girlfriends
My girlfriend told me she couldn’t come round one night when she was meant to so I decided to have a nice leisurely wank instead. As I started wanking I noticed a condom on my desk so I thought fuck it, I slipped it on to avoid having to clean up. Just as I cum my girlfriend bursts through the door to surprise me. I’ll never forget the look of disgust on her face as she then searched the flat for another girl before realising I’d just wanked off with a condom on.
Sometimes when I’m on a Skype call to the owner of Sick Chirpse i like to touch myself thinking about what a strong man he is.
I once took an ecstasy pill, threw up before it kicked in, went through my sick, took it out and necked it for the second time. Came up like a bitch.
I met a Lithuanian girl in Australia who prior to us having sex told me that English guys have no idea how to fuck properly. I swear I’ve never banged anyone so hard and so long in my entire life – I literally fucked for England that night. Good news is I think I changed her opinion.
I made my ex sign a contract promising she’d never tell anyone the weird shit I used to ask her to do to me, as part of our break-up agreement. Credit to her she signed it. God I miss her
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE or below this post (scroll all the way down) – see you next week.