The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
My mate had a wrap of coke taken from him by the bouncer during our bar crawl. We were all splitting it and it was halfway through the night so it really killed our vibe. The bouncer was a massive dick about it and made a huge scene and kicked my mate out of the bar. Fast forward a few hours later as we were heading to one of the next bars we see a bunch of police surrounding a shitty Corsa in the carpark. Next thing we know the bouncer is getting handcuffed and put into the back of a police car. Apparently an undercover saw him doing key bumps. Poetic justice!
My girlfriend has a Mickey Mouse backscratcher that she beats me with
Saw Tinchy Stryder in a club. Went for a hand slap and he went for a spud. Then I went for a spud and he went for a hand slap. Ended up shaking his fingers. Been torturing myself over it ever since.
Wasted in Bangkok took a petite Thai hooker back to my apartment and realised too late I’d picked up a ladyboy. I was off my tits so thought fuck it played with her willy a bit and gave it a little suck and didn’t hate it tbh. Bit salty but otherwise fine. She did say I gave the worst BJ she had ever had though
My girlfriend is constantly mad at me because i never spend any time with her because I’m to ashamed to tell her I have a gaming addiction and would much rather be at home on my Xbox. We just had a child together and we don’t even live together because I keep making excuses as to why I can’t move in yet because I’m scared if I do move in I won’t get any gaming time.
I’ve showered once in the last 7 days
When I was younger I used to think vagina was spelt ‘fagina’. One night playing this online game where there was a chat room to cuss each other between games, I tried to diss some kid and told him something about his mum’s fagina. Everyone clocked I didn’t know how to spell it and long story short, I got completely ripped apart. Had to find a new crew to play with after that and I never forgot how to properly spell vagina
I was on my lunch break when an old lady (well about 65) waved me over the road and asked if I could help pull her keys out of her car’s ignition because they were stuck. I pulled it out in one try. Then she said can I help start her car because it wasn’t starting. I said OK and tried to start her car but sure enough it was dead. I told her it’s not starting and she didn’t say anything, just kept staring at me with this weird mix of hope and desperation. It got weird and I didn’t know what else to do so I just said “sorry” and walked away.
i love drugs, everybody thinks im a normal guy but when im home i love nothing more than smoking loads of weed and eating loads of cheese toasties, if ever i got drug tested at work i would be fucked
I was once around my nans house – I helped her neighbour trim the bush. She then gave me a copy of the Playboy 50th Anniversary edition, it belonged to her dead husband but said I would get more use out of it. I wanted to sell it but it’s not gone up in value much and now I’ve got to laminate it, I feel I am in a sticky predicament.
During a 3am fire alarm at uni I thought I would liven things up for all the zombies around me by climbing up a tree with my shirt off. Managed it but slipped on the way down and scraped a disgusting amount of skin off my chest and arms. One of the firemen said “you idiot, you deserve that”. He was right I suppose
Girlfriend got up to let the cat out one morning and told me she’d be back for some morning sex. She didn’t return and later when i asked her why she said oh I decided to make a coffee instead. That same night i fucked her so hard just to reassert my dominance in the relationship
I’m a complete failure.
I quit smoking after I found out it shrinks your penis, one month without a smoke and I’ve gone from 5 inches to 5 and 1/4! Hopefully the little fella ain’t done growing yet
My brother and I had a party when our parents were away. He shagged a bird up the arse on our parents white sofa and she shat everywhere when he pulled out. We scrubbed that fucking sofa but it wasn’t coming clean. We blamed the dog when they came home and we went to work. When we got home, Dad had been to the vet to have the dog put to sleep for it’s incontinence.
I jack it with my step sisters underwear. She isn’t even hot
I discovered Sick Chirpse years ago after you wrote an article slating me and my girlfriend (as if I’m going to tell which one cunts) and shamefully still read to this day
When I was about 12 my dad brought home one of those electric massage things that you strap to your abs and supposedly work them out for you as you go about your day. Anyway I used to strap the pads to my dick and had some really awkward wanking sessions with it.
I haven’t had sex in so long, I think I’ve grown another hymen
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week. (Scroll all the way down).