The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I downloaded 46GB of Game of Thrones and it was all in French
The guy that used to bully me in school (badly for years) is in intensive care after a road accident in Ibiza. I used to pray something terrible would happen to him and now I can’t stop wondering whether my prayers had anything to do with it even though it’s been almost 7 years since I’ve seen him
I’ve been with my girlfriend so long that I actually look forward to her being on her period so I don’t have to have sex with her.
I’m a straight 25 year old girl, but I can only watch gay guy porn to get off. Guess I’m just that straight the sight of a vagina instantly turns me off? At least that’s what I’m going with to make me seem less weird…
Im male and I like to sit down to take a piss. Im sure im not the only one
I purposely missed my uni exam for a daytime coke/blaze session with my mate who convinced me I could take it again in the summer. Don’t know if I’m more angry at myself or him.
When we were in year 8 this girl pissed us off and I said to my friend ‘we should piss in her desk or something as joke’, she took it seriously even though I was joking, got a cup and pissed into it and proceeded to pour it over this girls books. Later we had to clean our desks out and this girl tells our teacher something weirds in her desk so we told her it was apple juice. So she licked her calculator clean. No regrets whatsoever, gotta love all girls schools
I only say “I love you” to my girlfriend if she says it first.
The Perfect Stormzy
Since day one from hearing it I have always thought grime music was complete and utter musically retarded shit but I’ve had to suck it up and stay in touch with the genre because all my mates love it. Cannot wait for the day the hype around it ends
I took 5 shits at work today to try and pass the time
I disgust myself with the things I type into the PornHub search engine but then feel pretty good when I find exactly what I’m looking for
When I type my passwords I worry that someone might be reading my mind so I shout random letters and numbers in my head to fool them.
Whenever I’m at the gym I always purposely favour and stretch my shoulder a lot so it looks like I’m recovering from an injury. Not sure why I do this.
I’m going to cocktails night with my girlfriend and her friends tonight and am actually pretty excited about it
My first forays into wanking involved printing pictures I found on google, jizzing on them in the shower, disintegrating them with water, and then washing the whole sorry mess down the drain.
I’ve been with my girlfriend 5 years and recently got on Tinder. I would never cheat on my girlfriend just want to remember what it’s like to be single for a change. When things go too far in the chats I just block the girls
I can’t pee at urinals if there’s a black guy standing next to me
I was completely exposed in front of my girlfriend the other week when we broke down with a flat tyre. I had absolutely no idea how to deal with it and now feel considerably less manly after having the AA come down and basically save us. Pretty sure she fancied one of the AA guys too.
Once I was having sex with my girlfriend in reverse cowgirl while I worked her arse with a butt plug. We got a bit carried away and I ended up losing the butt plug inside her arse prompting the biggest panic freak out ever on her part. In the end I calmed her down and managed to pull it out along with that day’s shit. Surprisingly we are still together and all the closer for it.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week. (Scroll all the way down).