The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
When I was 14 I confronted the school bully who had been picking on my sister. He grabbed me by the shirt and threw me so hard into the wall that my shoes went flying off. He got expelled after that so in a roundabout way I was still kinda the hero.
I only watch porn with girls that I believe I would have a chance with in real life i.e. ugly girls
I was jay
At end of term one year when I was in school me and my mates did a 5ive tribute act and not gonna lie, we brought the motherfuckin house down. Miss those days.
In my wannabe badman days I pulled out a pocket knife and waved it at a couple black boys who kissed their teeth at me as I walked past them one night. They weren’t afraid at all and instead followed me down the street where they jacked me for all my shit (including the pocket knife) while calling me a “white pussy”. Lesson learned.
I wear tracksuit bottoms under my jeans to hide my chicken legs
I never learnt to park (turn into bay, parallel, reversing in) so I never drive anywhere unless I’m confident I can find a space I can just nose into straight without any manoeuvreing, away from anybody’s sight. For this reason I take the bus to work and leave a nice German car on the driveway. Keep saying it’s because of the environment. I’m 36.
I had a dream last night where my penis magically grew to 8 inches and a group of girls were complimenting me on it. Woke up and thought it was real for a second… nope, still a solid 5.5.
I consider myself pretty vanilla when it comes to sex. That was until about 3 months ago when I accidentally stumbled upon a tumblr blog dedicated to images of erect penises jammed into pairs of high heels. I think it’s supposed to be a bit of a laugh, but turns out that’s a kink I didn’t know I had. I’ve since spent nearly 4 grand on designer heels and I can’t reach the bitter end in bed unless my girlfriend rubs me off into a size 9 Manolo Blahnik. Help.
I hate that it’s got to the point that being just a general nice person who is kind and empathetic towards everyone needs is now labelled as being woke. I mean, if you need to give yourself a label just to be a nice person then you are a bigger a hole than you think you are. Just smile and be kind and accepting of all. It’s not hard.
I had sex with this guy in my best male friends bed and I knew he had a massive crush on me and pretended I had no clue so I wouldn’t seem like a cunt. I hated myself afterwards
Dear BLOD00 from the last confessions posts….don’t feel ashamed i used to fuck a large teddy bear too but if it makes u feel better mine was a goofy teddy bear my family got me from disney land.
When I met my girlfriend of 3 years she was one of the most active, funny, healthy, smiley and positive people I’d ever met in my life. 3 years with me and she’s turned into a dysfunctional lazy stoner who rarely showers or gets off the couch and she’s also started to slur her words a lot. I think I’m actually a toxic person.
I like pineapple on pizza and I don’t care
My friends all chipped in to get me a hooker for my 17th as I was the only virgin left in the group. They were all in the front room as I was supposedly losing my virginity in the bedroom. The truth is we spent the whole time talking because I was so nervous that I couldn’t get properly hard. I obviously told my friends I banged her though
I had sex with my girlfriend yesterday and after wards there was a slight shit stain on the bed sheets which I swear it wasn’t from me
Every time I go into the newsagent to buy booze the guy behind the counter is always watching some intense Muslim preacher shit on his crappy little TV. Might just be a case of subliminal racism on my part but I can’t help but think the guy is ISIS or something. I’m worried he’ll be involved in something one day and it will all be my fault because I was scared of being racist
stranger in the alps
I had the funniest confession ready to go all week but completely forgot what it was.
I used to live in a really grimy part of High Wycombe and one night accidentally drove into a bum who was riding his bike and sent him flying. He was so cracked out he immediately got up jumped on his bike and rode off without even noticing me
I splitup with the girlfriend recently but as I know she still uses my Netflix account I’ve been playing girly shows so that she sees the recently watched and assumes another girl is watching with me. It’s sad and lame and I’m not sure what it will achieve, probably nothing.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week. (Scroll all the way down).