The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
I can’t have sex with athletic girls because my penis won’t fit in the good positions
When I go to the gym I literally force myself to look at the ground because there’s so many sexy women of all ages exercising in skimpy clothes if I look at them long enough I get a boner
I work in a kitchen with one other chef. We got through a fucking manic December by railing lines throughout the shifts. Continue to do so every day, even though it’s a damn sight quieter, and have no intention of stopping now. We’ve spent well in excess of a grand on packet this month & some of our customers are cottoning on to our habits and buying off us. Our owner/boss is none the wiser and keeps saying how great a job we’ve been doing. Her husband is old bill. Being a chef is fucking awesome.
I shagged a girl who literally dumped her boyfriend over the phone as she was on the way home with me
I have a weird habit of pissing in other people’s sinks at house parties. Can’t seem to break the habit because drunk me thinks it’s hilarious
I buy my girl flowers from the market and tell her they’re from the florist, also for Xmas I bought her £35 earrings and said they were real diamonds. I’m telling you they can’t tell the difference!
I work at a funeral home. One time I went to someone’s house to pick up a ‘client’. He died alone, and his dog had eaten his entire nose, both eyes and one ear. I can’t get that image out of my head.
Got raped by a “big” girl at uni. Admittedly I was so drunk I brought her back to my room but I fell asleep after munching half a kebab. I woke up with her aggressively wanking my cock trying to get me hard. She then jumped on and rode my flaccid penis while I mumbled jibberish at her. I remember asking what she was doing and telling her to “just go home”. The rest is a blur but I also remember her eating the rest of my kebab before she left #metoo
My GF’s dad is currently in hospital and its not looking good. He hates my guts and the feeling is mutual. Wouldn’t say I feel too bad about it, but there is some guilt there.
I think Scarface is a shit film. It’s super cheesy and the acting isn’t good, even Pacino’s. I honestly think some people pretend to like it. Don’t even get me started on the Godfather films, boring!
Drove back home with some girl that’s been flirting with me so I’ve been doing the same back… anyway I squeezed into this super tight parking space and she was so impressed she said ‘you are an amazing driver I definitely would have hit that car’. That shit made my day, best compliment I ever received
I’m on Pay as u go
I fantasise about kidnapping people who have wronged me, tying them up in a shed and torturing/interrogating them over why they are such dicks. Is that normal or do I have some mental health issues going on?
My new girlfriend has no problem going down on me but won’t let go down on her because it’s “awkward”
When I was growing up we had this big adult sized teddy bear just sitting in the corner of my room. Me and my bros would do wrestling moves on it. Well one day after much wear and tear the giant teddy bear opened up a rip between its legs. Anyway as a young lad going through puberty I began fucking this teddy bear after school. Literally sticking my bare dick into the hole and slamming away at the cotton till I jizzed. Nearly 15 years later I’m still so ashamed of myself.
Honestly reading confessions every week makes me feel good knowing that everyone else out there is as fucked up as I am
Trying to forget the moment when my barber asked “are you having fun?” and I said “yes” but he was talking to his daughter who was filling in a colouring book.
I jerk off every time I take a shower, probably for about 5 years straight. It’s got to the point that just the sound of running water gives me a semi
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week. (Scroll all the way down).