Back after an extended hiatus – we’re sorry about that – it’s the very best way to clear your conscience before the weekend. Just admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – and from now on every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones again.
Here are the best from this week:
Girlfriend broke up with me and banged one of my best mates on the same night
I steal sweets and snacks from the guy next to me at work all the time and when he complains I just say “yeah it’s fucked dude, things go missing around here all the time”
Graduating from uni and moving back home with your parents is one of the biggest life kicking you in the balls moments
Been telling my gf that I’m going to the gym after work, in reality I’m going to the park and smoking weed. Freezing my arse off and not losing weight, I think she’s going to clock on soon..
I have no idea what face to make during sex when the girl is on top of me. They look down at you all sexy like and I just don’t know how to look like I’m anything other than amazed a girl would want to bang me
I’m ugly as shit and just starting to realise it based on the girls who match me on Tinder.
I immediately judge guys who aren’t interested in football
Last week “Astro Project” confessed to a fear of fast food workers spitting in food.. I can confirm it happens all the time even in full service restaurants. That’s not all we do. Less manners, more body fluids. I once got really chewed up by a couple because they had to wait 10 minutes for fresh bread baking. They had to wait even longer while a chef rubbed warm bread against his gouch. Served that with a smile.
I broke up with a boy while I was blackout drunk. Broke up with him again the next day with no recollection. Awkward.
Played Donkey Kong for 3 hours at my work desk today
I get home 10 minutes before my girlfriend every day and have a quick wank. The thrill of maybe getting caught helps me finish
I’ve ruined 2 potentially long term relationships by waking up too often in their bed drenched in my own piss
I turned down a decent job opportunity and more pay because they test for drugs. I’m not ready to leave that life behind yet.
At uni once I was drunk and a girl I met that day walked me back to my accomodation, followed me into my room, wanted sex, I had no clue what was going on, and all I remember is clips of me banging her with a semi and putting in a pathetic performance. When I woke up she was getting dressed to leave and started saying how my dick was too small #metoo
I waft my farts into my own face.
I got a job at a graduate school as a teaching assistant and have recently been grading homework. It’s unbelievable how stupid some 18-19 year olds are. Several of them can’t name or point out continents on a map. Most of them cannot write coherently. Too many of them don’t even show up to classes and end up e-mailing you begging for extensions on essays. I’m off after the program is over so I don’t really care, but it baffles me how some people even get into university.
I really think that one day I’m going to spend all my money then kill myself.
I once shaved my vagina in the car because it was too late to go to my parents house and I knew I was getting sex at the bar I was going to…..
Using wet wipes after I poo has changed my life. You are really missing out if you don’t use them. Give it a try, trust me!
Tried banging my flatmate last night, she was horrified. Think I’ll stay in my room until this blows over or I’m asked to leave.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) below this post – see you next week. (Scroll all the way down). For all the past episodes of Confessions, click here.