The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
My granddad fell asleep in my brand new £800 leather recliner chair and pissed all over it. I was so annoyed but tried not to show it, I think he realised I was pissed off with him though. It turns out he pissed himself because he had a tumour in his bladder and died 6 weeks later.
Recently bought my girlfriend a nice buttplug. After a shit ton of wine it ended up in both our arses. Great night!
At work there’s a girl who I’ve been crushing on for months, all I can think about is having sex with her. I’ve recently taken to literally staring at her while saying, mentally, “I want to fuck you” on the offchance she can read minds. Waiting for a response. Yeah I know, I need help.
My dick is pathetic
When someone walks into the work toilets and I’m about to wipe I get extremely self conscious about being a standing wiper and resort to a seated wipe. I feel like I’m not being true to myself.
I’m a few years into the real world and live with 3 good uni mates. We are all in healthy relationships except one of us. His girlfriend is a cold bitch who none of the other gfs like and who we avoid like the plague. Anyway we were all out at a bar. I got stuck in a 3 way convo with cold bitch and another mate. We were all drunk and she yet again said something awful. As she turned around to get her bf’s attention I whispered to my mate “dumb bitch”. Turns out I didn’t whisper it quietly enough and she turns around in a rage and starts going nuts at me. Half the bar watched her rip me over what a misogynist I am. I took the abuse and then she left. It’s now awkward in the house with her bf, but at least we haven’t seen her since!
I thought I was having a heart attack this morning. I’m 26. Pretty scary, not gonna lie. The other day I was also convinced I had ball cancer. So… yeah life’s going well.
I fingered my first cousin when we were both 15
I always make a point of being overly nice to fast food/restaurant workers. I’m legit terrified they’ll spit in my food for absolutely no reason
My nights over the last few months have consisted of getting high and playing Fortnite. I think I’m a loser…..
I love sneezing into my hands and wiping it on my girlfriend’s cat
Once in Portugal I shagged a prostitute from Mali. One thing which was a first for me was that she was circumcised and only had the remnants of a clit left. Barbaric practice, but she told me she still had sensations and could orgasm, which under prolonged attack from my tongue and fingers, she did (or at least pretended to)
I once gave my boyfriend such an amazing blowjob that he pulled his calf muscle while cumming. He was limping for 2 days afterwards. Pretty proud of that one 🙂
Whenevr I drop the soap in the shower I pretend like I’m in prison and pick it up without bending over
After a rave I ended up at a student house party and as I took a piss outside I let out the fart but had the misfortune to follow through… No biggie, I thought. I went up to the bathroom to clean myself up except, being the scratty students they were, of course they didn’t have any bog roll for me and this runny mess. What they did have, however, was a laundry basket in the bathroom. What happened next stays between me, the laundry, and my own shitty boxers I threw in the same laundry basket. Fuck em.
I’ve 23 and have had the same email and password since I was 12 years old.
Me and the gf of 6 years broke up last year.. I still have a library full of nudes and videos… how long is too long to hold onto them?
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week. (Scroll all the way down).