The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

Laundromat

I often sit and fantasise about finding a wad of drug money in the street. Not a crazy amount.. £100,000, £250,000 or something then I make elaborate plans about how I’d hide, launder and spend the money without anybody finding out. Gold coins, investments, bank accounts etc. I can legit spend hours at a time doing this. I’ve even written down the plans. Thing is I work in the compliance department of a bank and my job is to prevent money laundering. I spend about 50% of my time fantasising about how I’d do it myself.

Sorrymasser

I am white and my girlfriend is black. While having sex I have thought how bad it would be to imagine it being a slave/owner scenario – and then had exactly that pop into my head.

Dickalopram

I’m terrified of trying to fuck any Tinder dates because anti depressants are making me impotent

Number 69

I wrote in some time ago about the hot milf who lives next door and how she was a single mum who I hoped wanted the D. Remember? Anyway my ex recently fucked off after nine years and guess what I did? Banged her. Just wanted to let you all know that dreams (and confessions) really do come true. It was the best sex I’ve ever had.

Bogeyman

Was recently training at Work. I had a monster of a bogey in my nose but couldn’t subtly pick it so blew it out into my hand. It bounced out of my hand and landed right on the arm of the guy sat next to me, who was absolutely disgusted and went on a rampage. I now have the nickname bogey, and it’s going to stick forever

I_missed_you

Sickchirpse confessions is back! Yeahhhhhhhhhhh. Where the fuck have you been? I need my confessions, they remind me how shitty other people lives are aswell.

FuckedNose

My parents started thinking that, because i’m such a hermit that every time i leave the house i get sick because i get a runny nose.

I actually snort mountains of speed/cocaine when going to hang out with friends. And the inside of my nose is fucked up cause of it, so every time i come back from friends snorting drugs i get a runny nose for 2 days….

CharlieDressedAsDennis

I’m pretty sure my Tinder system is a sociopathic ploy to be friend-zoned so I can feel an emotional connection without the pressure of having to get a bone. Anti depressants are a bitch.

result

I was going to stop coming on your shitty site until I saw the confessions where back

SorryNotSorry

There’s this girl I’ve known for years now, we met in our very early teens and are now in our thirties.
We ‘went out’ when we were younger but if I’m honest I’ve hated her since we were about sixteen. She has the most annoying voice I’ve ever heard, and her inability to pronounce the ‘ing’ sound properly makes me want to shoot myself in the face.

We are both in relationships with other people (she has a BF and a child) but have been having sex on and off for .. pretty much forever. Anywhoo … the last few years I’ve realised I’m bored of fucking her but every month or so she’ll appear in my inbox spouting absolute filth in an attempt to get my attention. So, I’ve started pushing it .. seeing what I can get her to agree to even though I have no intention of ever meeting her.

I get her to send me videos of her fucking herself with random things .. I even convinced her to cheat on her BF with a chubby guy she works with. I told her if she wanted to cheat with me that she’d have to prove she wants it, so she had to let her colleague fuck her arse and send me a video to prove it .. which she did!
I don’t even watch the videos, I mostly just delete them

If only her BF knew what he’d gotten himself into!

THEHUMANPLAGUE

The older i get the more i realise i actually hate people and have very little love for anyone i know or even my girlfriend/mother…and the older im getting im finding women repulsive and just dont want anyone to touch me at all…only with my girlfriend for the ‘perks’…..I lie to everyone i know against each other just so i can be alone and everyone thinks im busy….people call and i just straight up ignore the calls or pretend im asleep or creditless….am i weird or is this normal i dont even know anymore but fucking hell being alone is just so damn peaceful.

alan_partridge

the smell of the sanitary bin at work turns me on

wasnotmejeff

last summer we had a party in a friend’s field where she keeps her horse. if been ill the week before and had been shitting through the eye of a needle. needless to say I got caught short and had to shit behind the shed. only just found out that another mate of mine was made to clear it up in the morning and is still getting the full blame

phantom shitter

i like using the ladies toilet at work when i need a dump, also i like looking at all the expelled uterine matter in the sanny bin next to the toilet.

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week. (Scroll all the way down).