The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
Saw on Facebook a girl I grew up with and a few of her friends started a crowdfunder to go to South East Asia. I was so pissed off I sent the link to our local news station and they did a segment on people scamming each other. I’ve never felt more invigorated. What a rush!
I have my job written on a sticky note by my keyboard because I don’t really understand exactly what it is I do
Sadly I could not find a way to change this hot girl’s flat tire when she called me over for help in the car park. She was giving me the fuck me please eyes the whole time too until I couldn’t get the bolts off because there was no wrench. I went home put a universal wrench in my car and can now replace a tire faster than a grand prix pit crew if the situation rises again.
When I go to the gym I sometimes shake my head in disappointment after a set in an effort to let people know I usually do better than that. In reality though I’m just not as strong as I look
A large contingent of Romanians just moved into the flat next to me. Like 10-12 of them and it’s a 2 bed flat. Should I tell someone?
Been hooking up with a hippy stoner guy who is annoyingly passive and calls me dude and man and describes everything as chill. Kind of annoying but he’s OK looking and gets me high all the time so I’m gonna bang him for as long as I can put up with his nonsense.
I trim my beard and pubes with the same trimmer
When I was young I used to think that the number of kids a family had was the exact number of times the parents had sex
I’m in the military and I was deployed to Senegal. I was at a bar one evening and this prostitute named Mimi propositioned me. We negotiated at price and she took me to her place. When we got there, we first went to an upstairs apartment where this guy was sitting on the floor with a velvet bag in his lap. He opened the bag and he pulled out a dreamcatcher. She told me that is her brother and he makes them. I was like okay this is weird. I nailed her bedroom downstairs and then she showed me pictures of her daughter. It was a bizarre experience.
Sometimes when I’m done pooping I come back in 15 for a rewipe
Once ate some really spicy chicken wings and my ring piece was burning. I put an ice cube right on my bum hole and accidentally swallowed it up. Somehow gave me the worst migraine of my life.
Was taking a one on one drive with my ex’s dad to their summer house. A 3 hour plus drive. He was pretty religious and we had nothing in common. We spoke for about 15 mins, then I fell asleep. Woke up hoping I’d slept through most of the ride, but in reality it was only about 10 mins. I pretended to sleep for the entire rest of the ride. Also had to piss but didn’t want to add on time by stopping. Was a rough 3 hours.
In year 8 I saw my aunt’s pussy. She was wearing a sundress at my brother’s graduation party and bent over to pick up her kid. I saw the whole thing.
There’s nothing more disappointing than clicking on a hot girl on Pornhub and realising she only does solo scenes
I remember being 8 years old riding on the school bus and telling myself I will remember this exact moment when I’m 12, 20, 30 years old. I’ll still remember it when I’m 70, just a quiet kid staring out the window of the bus…
Girlfriend had a dream that I cheated on her and was legit mad at me for several hours….. WTF
When I was in uni I needed an A on our final assignment to pass my public speaking class to get my degree. I gave my dad’s eulogy and made the teacher and some girls in the class actually shed a few tears. Got the A and got the degree. Guess what though, my Dad is still very much alive and I’m the absolute worst.
I’ve done anal 3 times and not once has it come out cleanly. Never again.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week. (Scroll all the way down).