The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
My girlfriend and I got home last night after being in Crete on holiday. We killed a gram of coke and stayed up till 5am playing Wii bowling. It was a fun night.
My girlfriend has a male friend who whatsapps and FB messages her all the time. She’s known him since 1st year of uni, they were in the same engineering module (my girlfriend is a huge engineering nerd). He’s an awkward Chinese kid who blatantly has a crush on her. My girlfriend deals with it as obviously they hang out in the same circle of nerd friends. I’m not intimidated by the guy, but it’s kinda weird dating the girl of his dreams. I feel like the villain who’s with the girl at the beginning of a romcom and then the beta male steals her away. Except this isn’t a movie MIKEY
Women commentating on men’s football makes me irrationally angry
I never have morning sex because my boyfriend has the worst morning breath known to man.
I got a handjob from my best friend’s girlfriend. She told me afterwards I have the smallest dick she’s ever seen. And she is a total slag.
I hooked up with a girl once in university back in 2012. We were snogging on the couch when her drunk flatmate walked in and sat on the sofa next to us. I tried to play it cool, but my girl started sucking me off in front of the flatmate, who proceeded to finger herself and was about to join in. Instead she puked all over us and banged her head on the table, opening up a huge gash. My girl panicked, dragged her into the car and took her to hospital for stitches. As soon as they left, I wanked off on their couch and left my puke-soaked shirt in their kitchen bin. Helped myself to a few beers from the fridge and made the topless walk of shame home. I still fantasise about what could have happened that night…
When there is dried poo in the toilet bowl I use my dick as a pressure washer and try and clean up the sides
My girlfriend broke up with me 11 months ago and it still kills
Everyone once in a while, I panic, and check my pockets for my keys. Only to realise I’m driving my car
I have to quit smoking weed for my new job. Being an adult sucks.
I recently confessed to my 25 year old boyfriend who I just started dating that I’m not actually turning 22 in August, I’m turning 19. I thought he’d be upset and possibly never talk to me again. He did not care at all.
I recently made an account on pornhub to keep better track of my go to vids when I’m in a bind for time
My only experience of human touch recently was getting my hair cut
every single meeting i have at work i think about how easy it would be to just stand up on the desk in the middle of the meeting and pull my trousers down and piss everywhere, or punch the guy next me as hard as I can in the face, effectively ruining my career/life. its thoughts like that somehow get me through the day
kiwi b dubs
I purposely used the word ‘manpower’ to trigger a green-haired feminazi in class the other day. Worked a charm!
I’ve been in a serious dry patch with women for the past year, to the point where I can’t even bring myself to approach one because I keep thinking “what’s the point?” Gonna head out this weekend and just talk to as many of them as I can to break out of this. Life’s too short to be scared.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week. (Scroll all the way down).