Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #3

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box — every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.

Here are the best from this week:

(Use your arrow keys/slide on mobile to view confessions).




The first girl I ever had sex with told everyone I raped her. I had to change school and eventually city and it ruined my life even though I was never charged. Fuck her.




I gave myself a urinary tract infection by wiping my arse then using the same tissue to wipe my penis (folded but somehow microbes still got through). Doctor said it’s rare but it happens.



Vybz Guru

I tell everyone at uni that my chipped tooth is the result of a street fight I got into in when I was younger when the truth is I just used to grind my teeth really badly in my sleep.




I exaggerate my movements when putting my dick back in when I’m at the urinal so it seems like I’ve got a huge penis.



Butterfingers Bartending

I dropped half of the bar I work in’s delivery of meat on the floor trying to put it in the freezer. I panicked and put it all back in its bag and into the freezer.

We then sold all that meat…


[name undisclosed]

Me and my boyfriend are in an open relationship. Our only rule is no close friends but the only other guy I wanna fuck is one of his closest friends.



Wet Patch

Was on a date with this girl off Tinder when I went to use the bathroom. I leant against the sink while washing my hands and realised it left a giant wet patch across the front of my crotch, making it look like I pissed myself. I used paper/dryer to dry it up but took way too long before going back out. For some reason I told the girl I took a number 2 instead of just telling the truth or saying I felt ill or something. Obviously didn’t get laid that night.




I switch up the corner shops I get my booze from so that the people working there don’t realise what a fucked up lonely alcoholic I am.




My girlfriend hated 50 Shades of Grey and said she looks down on anyone who enjoyed it, so I pretended I hated it too when really I thought it was decent.




At a house party when I was 14 I went through someone’s things and stole their iPod. The following school day this person brought their sister’s skinhead boyfriend to school and he ended up headbutting my mate who everyone suspected took the iPod. I kept my mouth shut and still feel kind of guilty about it.


David Cameron


I actually like David Cameron and think he’s doing a great job all things considered.


Cover webcam


I’m so paranoid that there’s someone out there with access to my webcam watching me that I’ve got a post it note stuck over it 24/7.




I (stupidly) spiked someone’s drink with LSD at a uni house party and watched them trip their tits off. He hasn’t spoken to me or any of his others friends since (despite numerous texts/calls we’ve made) and I’m worried it fucked him up proper.




Big Load 93

I used to do shared lifts with some girl from my school. I got horny one time in the back and had a wank under my jacket over her mum, looking at her in the mirror.




I don’t stop wiping until there’s blood.


Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week HERE – see you next Friday.

P.S. You can check out previous best confessions HERE and HERE.


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