Week Three is over and so are the chances of the following teams amounting to anything better than a turd sinking to the bottom of the toilet:

Matthew Hurley’s 12 Fort
Nick Bourne’s Greenham Royals
Wes Holden’s Green FC
Tyler Casey’s 50 Shades of Goals
Steve French’s Anal Villa

All of which have amassed less than 50 points in their opening 3 weeks of football, to put that into perspective that’s only 20 points more than Michu has bagged by himself.

At the end of the table that people actually care about it seems that one turd really isn’t going to get flushed and after three weeks of hard graft Gavin Rapaport’s Poo is sitting cushty on 172 points.

On to the important matters at hand – STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING IMMEDIATELY AND DO NOT MAKE ANY TRANSFERS. It’s the international break and we all know that some of you are going to rush into putting people like Leighton Baines in your team but he might get injured for England as so many great talents often do. So to quote The Rock, “slow your role.”

Here’s the heroes and zeroes of Week Three in that order.

BIG HITTERS:

Robert Snodgrass did his best to reinvent himself as a Premier League footballer on the weekend as he ran the game for the Canaries. In a gracious attempt to distance himself from his Fragglerock-like name and appearance the goal-hungry winger managed to bag a goal at White Hart Lane to add to the assist he notched last week.

Special mention must go to Arsenal new-boys and potential gay power couple, Lukas Podolski and Santi Cazorla, who managed to take their off-the-field chemistry and apply it away at Anfield on Sunday. The shirtless lovers were at the heart of both of the goals as Arsenal dominated Liverpool; the first goal from Podolski on 31 minutes came from a Cazorla pass, before Podolski returned the favour for the Spanish winger’s second half goal.

The real hitter of the week has to go to the one the only, Robin Van Persie.  RVP, we hardly knew ye. As if anyone would ever have doubted the Premier League 11/12 Player of The Year and Golden Boot Winner – even though he he did the worst impression of an Andrea Pirlo penalty in recent memory. His hat-trick helped guide Manchester United to victory in the dying minutes against an unlucky Southampton side. Basically if you don’t have him in your team, you’re an idiot.

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BIG SHITTERS:

There weren’t an overwhelming amount of shitters this week in comparison to Week Two when we were spoilt for choice – with more shit spewing out of the Prem than the average Spurs fan’s mouth.

Hardly any clean sheets across the Premiership this week; with clean sheets only coming the way of Arsenal, The Baggies and The Hammers. The biggest shock possibly came when Swansea let slip their perfect record by letting hired gun and Black Cat new boy Fletcher bag a brace against them. He can’t be entirely to blame but Chico and Swansea were certainly left to regret his decision to do the can-can around the head of Louis Saha as the latter belted down the left wing. Whether or not a connection was made – Saha hit the deck and Chico hit the showers early after doing his best to accumulate a solid -2 for the week.

The other big pile of shit this week, Shandy Carroll, was well on his way to making it into the Big Hitter pile until he pulled up around 68 minutes with a hamstring injury that was later said to have ruled him out for 6 weeks. With the play running through him all day the Hammers did their best to shock the Premiership with a 3-0 victory, 5 of the points going to the undervalued (on the fantasy price list) 5.8 million man. It was nice to see the big donkey not cutting a depleted figure for once but anyone who made the big decision of transferring him in when his loan was finalised, I’m afraid to say you have most likely wasted a transfer.

So that’s Week Three finished boys and girls – now it’s time for the international break so please don’t go making a shit load of transfers until you know exactly whose coming back from duty with a splint.  Here’s the league as it stands SickChirpsers: