The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box — every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.
Here are the best from this week:
(Use your arrow keys/slide on mobile to view confessions).
I drove 45 minutes to meet a girl I’d been talking to for 3 hours on Tinder at her house. She didn’t look like her pics so after literally 1 minute I said I forgot something in the car and drove off with my heart in my mouth, never to be seen again. Her text to me 5 mins later = “dick head”
I bought some coke with the birthday money my granddad gave me and had one of the best nights of my life. Thanks granddad!
I broke my ankle on St. Patrick’s Day while drunk and now can’t work for at least a month. I’m 30.
I worked in a pub in Canterbury where one night one of my co-workers discovered the toilet flooding as someone had tries to flush their shit-stained boxers down the loo. We had no idea who had done it, but around closing time this chap showed up drunk asking to be let in for one drink. After being refused entry several times, he enquired “is it because I flushed my boxers down the toilet?” My manager invited him in and got him to help clean it up.
I thought the “all white” party at uni meant no black people were allowed. Was embarrassing having it explained to me in front of my black housemates.
When I was maybe 8 or thereabouts I met Emma Bunton from the Spice Girls in Brent Cross shopping centre and she ruffled my hair and told my parents I was going to be a heartbreaker when I grew up. She couldn’t have been more wrong.
My mum brings a cleaning lady round the house every Saturday morning. Last week she was cleaning my room while I was on the laptop and picked up my wank tissues off the floor and was holding them in her hand while she was talking to me. It turned me on so much and now can’t stop thinking about banging her in the perfect cleaning lady porn scenario
My dog’s been dead a few years now but I still think about the times he’d jump into bed with me and I’d kick him out because he took up too much room. If I could turn back time I’d let him chill there all night. I’m sorry buddy.
My mate’s mum is a MILF and he knows it so for many years he’d wind us up by saying “why you staring at my mum’s arse?” whenever we were round his and she was in front (it never embarrassed her, she found it hilarious). Anyway one afternoon I went round his and he wasn’t in despite inviting me round but his mum was. She made me a tea and sat on the couch next to me and I could swear she was flirting with me to the point I was getting nervous and horny as fuck. In the end she sat on my lap and my brain and cock were both going insane, when suddenly she bursts out laughing and my mate comes into the room cracking up and accusing me of trying to fuck his mum. Weirdest mum/son relationship ever!!
I can’t wait to get drunk off my face this weekend and not get laid for the 30th week in a row.
When I was much younger, I watched an older kid torture and kill a cat while on holiday with my family in Malta. We go back there every other year and now when I see this guy he’s always drinking and asking me if I remember that night and apologising for it profusely. I really think it haunts him every day murdering that cute little cat.
Married 37 years and found out on Valentines that my husband had been having an affair for the past five years. Cried, screamed and threw things. Since I fixed and brought his coffee to him every morning I decided an addition was in order, so I peed in a cup and added it along with the cream and sugar. Being the solicitous wife I asked him how it was and he said it was a great cuppa! He still doesn’t know and that was 7 years (and many thousands in alimony) ago.
I pee in my sink in the middle of the night because I’m too lazy to take a few more steps to the bathroom.
Last Christmas I bought some of those ‘world’s hottest peanuts’ from Menkind and dropped them with the normal peanuts at a family do. My uncle’s new girlfriend ate some and legit thought she was dying and made a big meal of it when I admitted what I’d done (just to assure her it was harmless). They went home early and I suppose my prank ruined the night
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week HERE – see you next Friday.