Granted, at some point solo sex is going to get boring and every so often you’ve gotta mix things up a little. The humble ‘sext’ is an easy enough option, 140 characters to describe whatever position or scenario alleviates your blue balls and, if you’re lucky enough, you may even get a photo attached of that special someone posed in the bathroom mirror in unflattering lighting. If however you are unlucky, you may well be the sexually frustrated and easily confused Craig Evans, Birmingham’s accidental paedo.

Not content with actually boning his real human girlfriend, swimming instructor Evans decides to bombard her with filth via text and manages to accidentally send the kinky message to all of his contacts via BBM, presumably because he was worked up into such a state of arousal he couldn’t perform basic functions. The old horny dog. All of this is embarrassing enough but when his contacts included not only his parents but two teenage girls (Do not. Even. Ask.), he was immediately chucked into the big house by Birmingham Crown Court for 18 months for inciting a child to engage in sexual activity.

While all of the incredibly sexy details haven’t been made public, the message has been said to include references ‘skin on skin’ sex that could be either ‘fast or slow’, and frankly just how the intended recipient of such messages wasn’t so turned on she exploded into a runny mass of love juice is incomprehensible. Given the length of the sentence we can only speculate that the text must have gone on to say something along the lines of: 

‘WANNA GET U WET (COS I WORK AT A SWIMMIN POOL LOL)’
‘FANCY A BIT OV BREASTSTROKE??’
or ‘AV GOT A NATIONAL POOL LIFEGUARD QUALIFICATION LOL JK LETS FUK xx’ and then finished the whole thing off by mercilessly poking everyone on Facebook.

After his shenanigans were heard by the Court of Appeal he was released early this month, as even a High Court judge found it difficult to believe someone could be capable of being such a moron on purpose. After this last minute decision, Evans is now attempting the transition back to the sexless life on the outside, the title of Birmingham’s most infamous wanker no longer held by Cat Deeley.

Let this story serve as a reminder to always remember to check exactly who you are messaging before you send it, this really is sexting 101. Once your boss has read where you want to stick your fingers you may be moments away from becoming the prison bitch, being so relentlessly sodomised in the showers you never look at a loofah the same way again.

Well, either that or a promotion.