Wow, this is painful. Last year I wrote a story about the first time that S Club 7 had been pictured together for a few years, and it was a great success – I mean how can people not enjoy watching people who used to be young and beautiful become grotesque, fat and old? During the research process for that piece I discovered that Paul, Bradley and Jo actually all still performed in Oceanas all over the country fairly regularly so that students can get drunk and shout at them and they can probably play S Club Party 3 times but I had no idea they could still command audiences overseas in places like Australia.
Well, it turns out they can, and that they can even still get on TV in Australia, and well let’s just say it’s probably about as horrible as you can think. The clip I noticed on someone’s Facebook wall was actually labelled S Club 7 so I was expecting to see all of them when I clicked on it, and yeah when I started watching it there were 7 of them, so I was like wow, this is actually pretty cool, the whole S Club gang is back together, it’s a miracle, an S Club 7 reunion! Then I started thinking why the hell are Bradley, Paul and Jo at the front, where the hell is Rachel Stevens? Or even Hannah Spearritt? Why the hell would they focus on those three when we could get some of the good looking ones up there?
Then I looked a bit closer and realised that the three girls and one boy in the back weren’t Jon, Tina, Rachel and Hannah but were actually backing dancers. It’s pretty cringey that they market this stuff as S Club 7 just because they have some backing dancers that are the same sex as the original members. As for Paul, Jo and Bradley, well. Jo actually looks a lot better than the cigarette smoking landlady from Eastenders I described her as a year ago and sings FAIRLY well but Bradley and Paul look and sound terrible.
Bradley just needs to give up and start producing bad hip hop records somewhere like Baltimore and Paul just needs to give up and get a job where he can look that sleazy and get away with it. Probably in music management. Or maybe in his nu metal band Skua that he left S Club 7 for in 2002. Both of them definitely need to hit the gym. Watching Paul’s stacatto dance moves is painful in itself, especially when it looks as though he’s out of breath after the performance as he has his hands on his heart. And as for the singing, let’s just say there’s clearly a reason he never led any songs in S Club 7 and it’s probably a mistake that whichever second rate Simon Cowell manages them made to let him have any vocal responsibility in S Club. It’s painful but in a way you just have to keep watching. Kind of like bestgore.com.
If you can make it through the performance, make sure you stick around for the interview with the two hosts of The Morning Show, who are completely gross. During the performance there’s loads of cutaway shots of them dancing around to it too, which only serve to add to the pain. The interview is horrendous though, especially when the dude asks them if there’s any chance of them getting back in the studio any time soon because he’s got two teenage sons who love this kind of stuff and are dying to see some new music. Clearly this guy lost his two teenage sons in a custody battle and probably hasn’t spoken to them in ten years or something because I mean come on, there’s no way that could be true, except unless maybe they’re both complete flamers but even in that case you would figure they would be into something a bit more rebellious during their teenage years like Scissor Sisters or whatever.
Bradley also gives a shout out to the band they’re on tour with in Australia called Big Brovaz who sound um, interesting and actually appear on the poster above S Club. Anyone in Australia read Sick Chirpse? What kind of venues are S Club playing over there, are they like Oceanas or what? Hit us up. In the meantime enjoy this video of the performance/interview.