Pizza Vending Machines Actually Exist


Pizza is one of the most awesome things on earth. You all agree, right? Well, it just got better. Introducing: pizza vending machines.

Pizza is awesome. It’s a decent hangover aid, it’s good to chill out with as you cure your munchies and watch Antiques Roadshow and Songs of Praise, it’s a great piece of equipment to use in parties as  it’s a safe bet that everyone at the party likes pizza so there’s no fuss unless some of your friends are weird or have got a pizza phobia or are vegan for some uninteresting reason, pizza goes down really well with a few cold ones and pizza is also excellent to use as a substitute for a flannel when it’s about a week gone off and you’re washing your nether regions in the bath/shower/sink/water fountain as any stray pubes tend to stick to the crusty tomato puree and soap really soaks into the crust – giving off a lovely fresh smell of gone-off cheese and tomato, sweaty balls and Asda’s own brand soap.

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Another thing I really like about pizza and what is one of its unique selling points is that it’s really easy stuff, like 90% of girls in Walkabout on a Saturday night. You chuck it in the oven, roll a few up for 10/15 minutes while you’re waiting for the beautiful circular demi-god of flour, yeast, water, tomato, cheese and whatever toppings your mood decides to dress itself up in for its big night out. Then, it tells you it’s ready to go out and you open the door in frothy anticipation and it looks sublime. You can’t help but look at its body. It gives you a boner. But as you chew your way through, your boner subsides because your guts are getting fuller and fuller and then when that pizza slut has given you your fill and you can’t do no more, you cast her aside, sit back, light one up and chill out in your pizza ecstasy.

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But there’s one thing out there that has made pizzas even better and has rectified some faith in the human race.

A pizza vending machine. That takes less than three minutes to prepare, cook and serve. Here’s a photo of one of the babes.

let's pizza

The company that came up with this idea is the really creatively named, ‘Let’s Pizza‘. Apparently, they’ve made it big over in Italy where the whole of the Juventus football team and the Mafia, when they’re let off their leash, regularly use the machines and eat pizza until they cry. The machines offer 90 different toppings (pepperoni; cheese and tomato; mushrooms, olives and jalapenos etc etc) and you make your choice, slot your money in and wait a few minutes until your pizza arrives from its aromatic heaven and is caressed out of the machine with motherly love, and placed in a cardboard takeaway box.

I’ve never seen one of these, so I dunno if anything like this exists over here, apart from Micro Pizzas and they’re minging, but if anybody knows where one of these machines is in the UK, let us know and tell us whether the pizzas are any good or not. I think these machines are awesome and I want one for my flat. Definite advantage in the chirpsing race, then.

Ignore the bad lip sync and focus on the pizza and the woman’s cleavage instead. Here’s a video of how one gets made.

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