Let’s face it – if you’re trying to get away from the cops the last thing you would arm yourself with would be a pathetic little stuffed toy. The more intelligent amongst us would take something like a bat or a knife or a gun, or even a picture of Jocelyn Wildenstein. But, when times are hard I suppose you would resort to using anything to try to get the law off your back. A stuffed toy, though? C’mon. What are you gonna do with it? Stuff it down an officer’s throat? Throw it and hope they’ll slip on it? If I was to see someone attacking a cop with a stuffed monkey, I’d just think I’d drunk too much or that the acid was starting to kick in. But, this did really happen. Some guy really did attack a cop with a stuffed monkey. He looks like the younger brother of Taz from WWE. Pity he didn’t put the cop in the Tazmission, though. Perhaps he’d have gotten away, then.

The idiot who I’m talking about is 24 year old Preston James Phipps (pictured above), from Des Moines in Iowa. (Wonder if he knows anybody from Slipknot?) Cop, Andrew Pirtle, saw Taz Jr (Phipps) shortly after Phipps had robbed a convenience store. Better known as Spar over here. Officer Pirtle saw Phipps leave the shop carrying two stuffed animals, yes two – he must love his monkeys – but the last thing on his mind was that he had stolen them. That was until he was informed about a robbery involving some stuffed toys. He quickly put two and two together and came up with four, and started to hunt the monkey thief down.

Officer Pirtle approached Phipps and started questioning him but instead of answering the cop, Phipps launched into assaulting the man of the law and swung a haymaker at him. Unfortunately, he still had one of the monkeys in the hand he swung with and it’s fair to say that this must have made his punch the same power as a little girl’s because it hardly phased Pirtle, who then restrained the monkey man and chucked him in a cell and soon after that he was in prison. Imagine being asked by the other prisoners why he’s there:

‘Oh, Taz, whachew in here for?’

‘Assault.’

‘Oh, yeah. I’m in for murder, me. Who’d you assault?’

‘A cop.’

‘Nice one. Hate the fvcking law. Beat him up well, did you?’

‘Nah, hit him with a stuffed monkey and the bastard handcuffed me.’

As you can see, it’s hardly going to make him the most feared prisoner, is it. More like the most stupidest prisoner, if you ask me. It soon came to light that Phipps hadn’t just robbed the convenience store of the monkeys, though. Oh no, he went all out. A pair of sunglasses and double packs of smokeless tobacco. Smokeless. What is the point? The guy must have an IQ of ten. At least take some whiskey while you’re at it. You know, add that extra bit of coolness as you stride out of the door with your stolen things, sipping on a bottle of whiskey. Very John Dillinger. But a bit less notorious. Robbing your corner shop isn’t like holding up a Barclays or something, is it? Phipps even tried to explain his actions by telling the store clerk: ‘Don’t you worry about it. I’m going back to prison anyway.’

What a goon.

Phipps was charged with fifth-degree theft, disorderly conduct and assault on a police offer. Perhaps his time in prison will mean he’ll stop, ahem, monkeying around when he gets out.